Stage Whisper
by coupdetats
Summary: Tonight, after a particularly venomous fight, I find myself in a baron room signing an agreement to erase James from my mind forever. L/J
1. Eloquence In November

Okay, so you know how people use those really annoying clichés like 'bitter sweet' and shit like that to describe what they feel?

I always thought they were just really unimaginative and slightly dim because they had to rely on something as contrived as a cliché to describe how they feel.

That was until now. The irony hasn't escaped me.

The feeling in my stomach? Can only really be described as love hate.

I know, I know, Sylvia Plaths of the world are all coming after me with their ovens and their brilliant minds. Whatever.

Let me try to break it down for you.

At this very moment I'm making my way down Diagon Alley bound for Knockturn Alley where my less than legal task lies.

And my stomach is twisting. and folding into themselves. Bile is creeping up into the back of my throat, and I gag every few seconds. Oh God this hurts so much.

My heart is burning and beating faster than it ever has, and I'm shivering.

I really want to cry, my lips are trembling the way actresses do in movies, but then I remember that crying is for guilt. And I'm not guilty.

I'm angry, and tired.

I cannot live with my boyfriend any longer. I hate him so much, a hate that is so overwhelming that I'm dazed.

So that's why I'm close to my destination. A place that does awful deeds.

I'm standing outside the place. The next cliché I feel is the sensation of being pulled into two different directions.

But I walk in and approach the counter with more confidence than I'm actually feeling. The store front is completely baron of any shelves, any products, anything. The floors are clean swept and the walls are plain beige. This place is completely unremarkable. There is a Man standing patiently behind a desk, causally reading a magazine.

He is nicely dressed, and would fade into the background of any crowd. He doesn't seem the type to belong here.

"How may I help you Miss?" His voice is oily and smooth, and his eyes are shielded and wary.

"I need your help." 

"Yes?" 

"I'd like to erase my memory. Not the whole thing. But specific events. Can you do that?"

"It's risky and costly."

"Cost doesn't matter." 

"Very well then, what would you like to erase?" 

I take a deep breath and look him dead in the eye. "I'd like to erase the memory of my boyfriend. James."

He rolls his eyes. "They all do. You don't fit the usual stereotype though. You aren't crying or blubbering or begging."

"Well, you know the saying, still waters run deep and all that."

"The procedure that you are requesting takes a hefty chunk of time. If you are available now, I can begin, or would you like more time to ponder this life altering decision?"

"I don't need to ponder. I need him out."

"Follow me then."

He leads me through a white curtain and into a smaller room that is no more different than the front of the store. There's a desk, a small cot with a soft looking blanket, an end table with tissues and a large stone basin. He takes a seat behind the desk and fishes out a thin book and a quill and a bottle of ink. His long spindly fingers curl the pages over deftly and find a fresh page.

"Name?"

"Lily Evans."

"Irish. My cousin is Irish."

"Good for you."

"How many years approximately will we be manipulating?"

"Eight years."

"Am I correct in assuming that it begins at the beginning and ends at present?"

"Of course."

Cliché the third. It flashed through my mind before I could even stop it. I'm sorry. 'there is a thin line between love and hate.' God I hate how completely lacking of eloquence I am. I can't help it though, that vile piece of filth has done this to me. My mind is screaming at me, asking me if I'm sure. But my heart is sure, so completely sure. All I want is for that asshole to get out of my life.

The man is regarding me, sizing me up. Seemingly satisfied he goes back to the thick creamy paper, scratching his quill along the surface allowing thick black ink to blot in words.

"The payment is one hundred and fifty galleons, if you will."

I fill out a payment slip allowing him to withdraw the money from my joint account with James at Gringotts.

Every movement this Man makes is succinct and orchestrated. He's done this before.

"Alright, let us begin. Ms. Evans if you will kindly take a seat on the bed."

I sit down and realize that the basin is conveniently placed beside me, on the end table. I look inside, but it's empty.

"I need you to sign a waver that declares that you are in a stable state of mind, that you are fully aware of the risks of memory modification and any health problems that occur post procedure cannot be traced back to this establishment. The side effects are as follows: Drowsiness, confusion, disorientation, frustration, memory befuddlement etc. It also includes the agreement that once we begin the procedure we cannot stop under any circumstances."

Sign the form Lily. Sign it. You need this. Sign it. Oh god my heart won't stop beating so loudly, I can't think. Do I want this? Yes. I do. Then sign.

But it's so shady.

You want this. Sign it.

So I Do.

"You are familiar with a penseive?" I nod. "This procedure is something of an experiment of my own making. It is a modified version of a penseive, only much more flexible and malleable. It also continues a connection with the mind, so, while we spend our time within the penseive, we can manipulate the memories there making it much more efficient and less painful. So let's start with your first memory of your boyfriend James. I will provide the incantation and all you have to do is talk."

"Sounds easy."

"Don't be so quick to assume so Ms. Evans."

And there it is ladies and gentlemen. The stereotypical ominous store keeper thing. Here I was thinking this place was worlds a part from the stereotype of Knockturn Alley, and here this Man goes saying something like that.

Fuck Me.

Well…Fuck him. Fuck this. Fuck. Just. Fuck James.

The Man utters the incantation a politely motions for me to speak.

"First year. I'm on the train with my former friend Severus. We're in a compartment and Severus is talking adamantly about Hogwarts and how amazing it will be." I trail off noticing a thin golden line lacing its way through the air from the centre of my forehead and into the penseive.

"Good, good. Keep thinking about it. Great. There it goes. Your mind seems to be much more willing to let go. Due to the nature of this spell, you will just have to cue a hunk of memories with a trigger. Like years for example." He says.

The memory pools into the basin. Gold and shiney. I take a deep breath.

"Second year. On the train, He's bothering me again."

Immediately all of the memories with James and I in second year flood out of my brain.

"Third year, he starts to follow me around."

More memories spill out, long and stringy and mercurial.

"Fourth year, he won't stop asking me out."

My mind starts to reel and I feel light headed.

"Fifth year, he bullies my best friend."

My stomach starts to lurch. So many memories at once.

"Sixth year, he's calming down."

I'm gripping the bed post now.

"Seventh year I'm completely spellbound."

So much just pooling away. And. And the glint in the Mans eye…He's so eager.

"And now. Now. I can't stand to go near our apartment."

The last of the memories slip out of my brain and into the basin. The gold sheen of the memories makes me feel sick, and I puke in the garbage that's located conveniently at my feet.

"Very good Ms. Evans. I'm impressed, memory extraction usually takes up to an hour. It only took a half hour with you."

"A half hour?" I pant. "Felt like seconds."

Stomach acid lingers on my tongue and I can't seem to get a chunk of lunch out of my nasal cavity. All I can smell is stomach acid.

"Ms. Evans, I am obligated to ask you if you wish to continue."

"More than ever." I say.

"Very well. If you will kindly place your face into the memories with me, we will relive your life and rebuild it."

I nod, wipe my nose one last time, and sidle up to the end table. The Man is standing beside me, already bent over the basin.

My heart is beating in my throat, and I swallow hard before letting my head drop into the cool liquid.

Immediately I feel a pull behind my ears and I'm lifted into a world f sickening gold swirls and echoes of memories all around me. I'm tossed around in this limbo for a few seconds before my feet hit solid ground. The man stands follows a few seconds later, looking around hungrily, his wand loosely gripped in his hand.

And there we are.

Severus, myself, Sirius and him. James.

My god he's so small, and young.

I smile to myself.

See you in hell, loser.

**A/N:**

**Alright, so there is the first short chapter of my new story. Tell me what you think.**


	2. Breathing Out

I remember my first time on the train with biting detail, and seeing it before me lurches my stomach and I stumble in some sort of vertigo. I had replayed this memory before in my mind, and seeing it now in life size is disorienting. The Man places a hand on my shoulder. I think he's trying to be comforting, but all I get is a sense of foreboding.

I smile at the image of Severus and how enthusiastic he is and my shoulders begin to relax.

'I hope you get placed in Slytherin. It's the best house." Severus tells Little Me.

I see Little James pop his head up out of nowhere and sneer at us. Looking at this, and at him, I sort of wish I was in Slytherin. You know, so that James would've left me alone.

Although…He's always said that he had a soft spot for me before we were even sorted, because of my red hair or some sappy crap like that. Perhaps his stalker-like fascination with me would have crossed the sacred 'Gryffindor versus everyone else' line.

The Man looks at me and points to James. "That's him isn't it? I can tell by the way your lip is curling." I nod at him, and he goes up to Little James.

"I can alter the memory so that it begins with you and your friend in another compartment. You will have never met your future boyfriend or his other friend there."

Never have met Sirius? Or Remus?

"No, that can't work, I can't erase 8 years of my life. You said that you could erase specific events."

The Man takes a deep breath and looks at me. "Alright, fine."

He waves his wand and speaks these incantations that are completely foreign to me. I can catch beginnings of them that sound mildly familiar, but then they warp into new ones with different accents. Little James seems to fade away, and instead it's Sirius that's harassing Severus and I.

As The Man utters his final incantations and with the last spurt of purple magic flies out of the tip of his wand I feel this burning sensation somewhere near my ear.

He looks at me as I rub the area and he smirks. "You'll get used it."

The gold swirls of the pensieve start to emanate into the memory and soon I'm completely surrounded by the gold swirls and The Man and I are swept off into another memory.

The swirls die down and I realize we're in the Great Hall, and I'm about to be sorted.

The Man looks at me. "You strike me as a Gryffindor kind of girl." He smiles as I Little Me gets sorted.

"I was in Slytherin myself."

"Why am I not surprised."

"You'd be surprised the number of people that pass through my store. I'm pretty good at calling who was in what house." He gloated.

I roll my eyes, "will you just do your job?" I ask. I'm in no mood to socialize or befriend, but to get the job done.

-James POV-

Sirius came out of the bedroom and regarded his friend, who was sitting back on the couch fiddling with his belt buckle.

"No note mate."

"Cool. Let's go then."

"James." Sirius said warningly.

"I'm just tired Sirius. I can't deal with this right now. If she wants to go and sleep over at her friends to prove a point, I could care less. She does this every time, and I'm tired of running around London looking for her and apologizing."

Sirius sighed and looked at James reproachfully. "But the way things are now-

"Lily's a big girl. If Death Eaters attack her, she'll be fine."

Sirius said no more and followed his friend through the fire place and arrived in Remus' apartment a few moments later. Remus looked up from his news paper and took in James' haggard appearance.

"What's happened to you."

"Got into a fight with Lily." James answered. He sat down in the modest kitchen and helped himself to some of Remus's toast. "Worst one yet."

"What happened?" Asked Remus. Sirius sat down at the head of the table, listening closely as he had not heard the story yet. He helped himself to Remus's tea.

"Lily started prattling on about her usual crap, and things got out of hand. I threw something, her mug I think, and she started to throw things, and then she slapped me, and I pushed her to the floor. I know. But I was so incredibly angry. She wouldn't stop screaming at me."

The kitchen was silent as his friends looked on sympathetically.

"I wouldn't be surprised if we were done."

"What!"

"We keep fighting about the same things and we both try to get better but it never changes, and it's just the same thing over and over."

Remus sat up and looked James in the eye. "James, this is the girl that you followed around for years. You've been together for a year and a half. Relationships are never easy, but this is Lily. Your Lily. You love her."

"Not really any more. All we do is fight, and I can't get perspective, Lily is no longer the Lily that I fell in love with."

"It's this fuckin war. It's screwed up everyone." Sirius said vehemently.

James nodded and took another bite out the toast.

"But James. This is Lily. Don't give up on this. Just try one more time."

James got up abruptly and sat on the kitchen counter. He picked up a mug and started to fiddle with it as he regarded his friends. "Every time is one more time."

Remus sighed and looked to Sirius for help. Sirius got up and sat beside his friend. "Look, mate. Lily is not only entrenched in your life, but ours. Lily."

"I know, Sirius."

"Please, just try once more."

James remained quiet and looked around at his friends. He found he couldn't keep eye contact with them for long; the guilt was overwhelming. His gaze swept over the small kitchen, with its sea foam tiles, and maple table. Even for a shabby apartment, Remus made it look nice and homey.

"I don't know guys. I'm going to go for a walk. Maybe stop by Dorcas's or something, see if she's there."

Sirius clapped him on the back and hopped off the counter and James soon followed.

"Wanna meet for a Butterbeer later?"

"Yeah. Alright, I have an appointment at Gringotts to go over loans and stuff. Leaky Cauldron after? At like 2, maybe get some lunch or something." Said James.

"Yeah, see you then."

James walked out of the apartment and found himself in a bustling street. He snuggled deeper into his scarf and thought once again of his tumultuous relationship with Lily.

The months that they had spent together while in Hogwarts were a dream; they were still kids, and were physically protected by the walls and powers of Dumbledore. James smiled sadly at the memories, and was struck by how much he missed her. After that they had spent a year together, living in the same quarters, and yet he was so far away from her.

She no longer gave him that smile that intoxicated him, that compelled him to nuzzle her neck, to want to kiss the corners of her smile.

Most of the time he was just so terribly lonely and heartbroken because Lily, HIS Lily was fading away from him. The girl that he once stood at the top of a Quidditch tower and declared his undying love for.

So here he was, questioning whether or not he was to pursue the love of his life, and fight for their depleting relationship.

He walked down the streets of London with ease, weaving his way in and out of the ebb and flow of foot traffic, deftly dodging old biddies with their stretched plastic bags and varicose veins.

By reflex he made his way to Dorcas Meadowes' flat, where Lily usually holed away after their epic fights.

He knocked on the door and heard the weekends Top 40 warbling through the wood and a musical voice call "coming!"

The door flung open and a blond head of hair and brown eyes widened at the sight of James.

"You look like shit, my friend." She said in greeting. James stepped into the apartment and followed Dorcas into the kitchen.

"One guess as to why I'm here."

"She's not here. What happened? The usual 'you don't love me anymore' stuff?" Asked Dorcas as she placed a pancake in front of James.

"Bottom line, yes."

Dorcas leaned against the sink oblivious to the colander of a steaming pink substance, and placed a knife back in her cooking apron, which was adorned with stains, burns and an impressive accoutrement of knifes rimming the bottom. Her sweat pants and shirt were not spared the stains either.

"It was terrible Dor, I don't know if we'll recover. Did she say anything to you?"

Dorcas regarded James for a moment before picking up an apple and skinning it. "Not really no, she came barreling in this morning, a little drunk and very angry. She borrowed my inventory and went on some search for a store or something. I dunno, I was half asleep. But from talks before about you, I have half a mind to deck you a few myself, the way you've hurt her."

James rolled his eyes and poured syrup on his pancake and dug in.

"Look James, you've hurt each other. I know because I was in on some of the schemes she thought up to get back at you. At the end of the day, though, you have to evaluate for yourself whether or not this is worth the fight, because honestly things are getting worse."

James wolfed down his pancake and stood up, feeling claustrophobic and needing to be alone.

"If you see her, will you just tell her…to just…stick around, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay."

James kissed her on the cheek before leaving and walking back into the street, getting swept up in the waves of strangers.

-Me!-

My hand has found its new home on my head now, after all this memory burning.

I'm sort of tempted to pay this guy to just freeze my head or something.

BUT! The good news is that The Man and I have just finished up with first year, and I'm feeling good.

"You're holding up well." The man observes.

"I am." I say confidently.

"Onto second year are we?"

I nod and welcome the sight of myself and Severus in the Library. There's a sort of illegitimate satisfaction I get seeing James fade into the background. Just cleanly zapped away from my life.

Seeing him go away is like finding that hollow ice in the winter and cracking it, you know? That really satisfying crack and collapse? God it feels good.

OR! It's like finding that really crunchy leaf in autumn and stepping on it. MMmmmmm.

Feels so good.

**A/N:**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognize. The idea, perhaps could be attributed to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.**

**So thanks guys, for reviewing.**

**Annnd i'm sorry about the line breaks. They're being pulsating douchebags. But you're all familiar with that, no? **

**I suppose you could attribute the memory modification to Eternal Sunshine, it is one of my favourite movies, but I've also seen plays and read books with the same idea, so I'm not quite sure whether to credit it. I will just in case I guess. **

**But yes, thank you very much for the reviews, and I hope you guess stay tuned!**


	3. Cradle Robber

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

And. Fuck.

Such a satisfying word, isn't it? The word 'fuck'?

So succinct and strong. Just like the word cunt. James Potter is a fucking cunt.

I'm sorry, I'm not usually this graphic, crude and over powering but you must understand where I'm coming from. I just got out of the memory of James mercilessly torturing me for half an hour in front of the whole Common Room. It took both the Head Boy and Head Girl to get him to stop, and even then they had to threaten him with taking away his Quidditch privileges.

Seeing this memory again in 3D and Surround Sound only renews my hatred for that shmuck.

The memory began innocently enough; I was sitting with my friend Dorcas on a couch with James and his posse. The five of them were talking about some sort of aspect of the wizarding world that I was unfamiliar with. Upon my inquiry James sneered and began to badger me about it.

Dorcas tried to explain but he wouldn't let her; just taunted me and taunted me until I snapped and we began to fight.

It was an unfair advantage because even though James was just a Second Year like me, he had been living in the wizarding world since birth and picked up some nasty spells taught by cousins and such along the way.

The worst one that caused the Heads to interfere was a hex that transformed me into a helpless puppet complete with strings. James had me dance around the room singing a little ditty to the tune of 'Ring around the Rosey': 'I'm a fat know it all who doesn't know nothing at all, beat me, harass me just don't try to cheat off me, cos I'm a fat know it all…"

Etcetera, etcetera and etfuckingcetera.

The Man is staring at me while I'm fuming and finally says, "After all that, you still decided to date him? Do you have any self-respect?"

"He got better." I protest indignantly.

Hold the phone. Why am I defending him? More importantly, why DID I date him after that?

The Man changes the memory so that when I inquire about the wizarding world, Dorcas just explains it, and we go back to our studies.

If I'm honest with myself, even though the memory is gone of James humiliating me in front of the entire Gryffindor student body, the feeling of complete and utter heart break still lingers. How could anyone be so cruel at such a young age?

A sudden thought flits into my mind. "How difficult could it be to shift James into a different house? Slytherin for example?"

"Doesn't he hate Sly- Oh. You are bad ma'am." He says with a grin.

I smile and roll my eyes at him. We move onto the next memory where I am sitting at a table with Severus playing a quiet game of S.0.S. in the library. The game is simple enough; you draw a grid on a piece of paper and each player takes turns drawing an S or an O, the goal is to get as many 'S.O.S.'s as possible. Severus and I had always rather heated competitions and we'd whisper furiously at each other as we played.

Of course James thought that it was the lamest game possible and took every chance he could to tell us that. In this particular case Little James and Little Sirius were hidden behind a book case blatantly giggling at us.

"Oh Severus give me an O." Mimicked James in a high voice.

Little Me looks up warily and mutters to Severus to ignore them. Severus reaches for his wand and grasps it firmly in case.

"Just ignore them Severus." Little James echoes.

"Shut up!" Little Me calls.

"Ms. Evans, Do keep your voice down!' Hisses Madame Pince. Little Me blushes and looks to be on the verge of tears. Severus squeezes my hand in comfort, which Little James sees and makes him only provoke us further.

"Liiiiilllyyyy Eeeeevvvaaannnnssss who's hair is red as a piiiiiiiiiiiimple. Ugly, ugly Eeeeevvvvaaaaannnsssss, who's plain and stupid and siiiiiiiimmpleeee."

Little Me stands up, red faced and crying freely. Severus has jumped to his feet as well, the tip of his wand brandished just past my shoulder.

"Shut up James Potter! You're pathetic and low and stupid. I hope you drown in the Black Lake!" I scream.

Madame Pince comes marching up behind us and puts her hands on her hips. "Ms. Evans, how dare you disrupt the quiet atmosphere of the library." Little Me turns around, hands covering my mouth.

"Yes ma'am, we were just looking for a book, and I asked Lily if she saw it and then she yelled at me." Says James innocently.

"Ms. Evans you will leave immediately and will not come back for a week." Says Madame Pince shrilly.

I'm crying by now and horrified, I flee the library quickly and quietly.

The Man looks at me sympathetically and squeezes my shoulder. "Oh shut up." I snap.

-James POV-

James returned back to the flat he shared with Lily. It was still in disarray from the previous night, and James stepped gingerly over Lily's broken mug.

"Lily?" He called out.

There was no answer, and for that James was glad. He began cleaning up the fight, repairing the mug, wiping coffee stains off the walls and folding away the blanket and spare pillow he used for the couch.

He timidly stepped into the bedroom and saw the newly opened bottle of Fire Whiskey by the bedside table. James sighed and picked it up. About six shots were taken from it, which was a sufficient amount to get a non-drinker like Lily completely ossified.

The bed wasn't made and the acrid smell of puke wafted from the bathroom adjacent to the bedroom. He rolled his eyes. No doubt Lily was probably drunk and stupid staggering about London. Either that or hung over and bitter.

He found he couldn't quite bring himself to care. Especially once he saw that Lily didn't care enough to get proper aim for the toilet.

For the millionth time James found himself on his hands and knees cleaning up after the calamity of Lily's temper. With painstaking care, he placed all her toiletries back in their places, made the bed and washed the dishes.

-Me!-

We're almost done Second Year, I think just one more memory to go and we'll move on to third year, the peak of James' cruelty. I'm not looking forward to it, if it's anything like second year, I will spend seconds that feel like hours agonizing over each word spoken.

It's hard not to be spiteful when I see myself get pushed around by James. The question still rings in my ears. Why, James? Why did he have to be so cruel?

Any and all insecurities that I have ever felt stem from him and his low blows. Sometimes it's hard for me to be with him as a girlfriend knowing that at one point he saw me as ugly and fat.

I know, he was young and immature.

But still, there are moments that I wonder if he still thinks it. He was so adamant for three years that I was pathetic, what if I am just a good lay?

Even though he won me over, and succeeded in making me fall for him (which makes me question my sanity at present) when we fight, he knows exactly how to cut me down.

The Man is waving away James' disruptions in classes, dulling him down to just a presence in the back. It seems almost insulting to deprive the exuberant James of his glamour, but it's what I need. Sometimes Sirius is the one disrupting the class, or joking around, but for the most part, The Man transfers my life into an ordinary day to day.

It's nice.

"So, madam, how would you like me to craft this one?" The Man asks lazily. We're in the common room, and The Man has collapsed into a chair and is looking on in mild interest as James takes full advantage of my dozing form.

"Let me guess…he's going to cut your hair." He says. I nod, and sigh as James hacks away at my hair.

"Just have it that Peter is practicing something for Charms, it goes awry and my hair is caught in the crossfire."

The Man nods and I stagger into a seat as I feel the burning sensation at my temples.

"Should we take a break and retire to an idle memory?" The Man asks as he observes me weather a particularly bad burn. I shake my head and take a few steadying breaths.

"No, no I want this over with. Let's continue." I say. He merely nods and offers his hand as the sickeningly golden swirls surround us.

**A/N:**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize. **

**I feel the need to do some of the usual shout outage that writers do. And here I go.**

**Fortheheckofit: I wish you had a story I could review to give back the total gem you gave me in either this story or my other one. Thank you so much for it. I usually write in the ungodly hours of the night aka 3am, so my grammar is sub par. I apologize. ( (I agree with your profile, the new incubus stuff blows large chunks of ugly.)**

**And for the rest of you cherubs out there…expect me to ravish your stories with undulated lovin' because that's what you guys deserve and it's only natural that that I return the favour.**

**and i apologize if the word cunt offends anyone. **

**Until then….PEACE OUT!**


	4. Atrophy

Oh third year. The pinnacle of the 'Dark Ages' as James would call them later. This also happened to be the year that I learned how to subtly fight back. We've just exited from one memory where I quietly hex James in the hallway. In this instance he rounds on Severus, who willingly fights back as he too hated Potter with such a passion. It would kill James to know that as a result of his bullying, Severus and I became closer friends.

Today was the day that I got my first period. First of my friends. Dorcas and Marlene were huddling close to me in the north courtyard.

"So does it hurt?"

I'm staring into my textbook. I remember feeling so exhilarated that I was the first of my friends to become a woman. "Hurt? Not really. Mom said that you get cramps sometimes, but I don't really feel anything."

"Is it really blood?"

Dorcas rolls her eyes at Marlene. "Obviously."

"I can't wait till I get boobs," says Dorcas, "I want Ds. My sister has Ds, she looks really good in tops."

"Ew, no. I want Cs." I say. "Perfect size I think."

"We all know what Marlene's gonna get." Kids Dorcas. Marlene shyly covers her C cups with her text book.

"It runs in the family." She says quietly.

Something soft hits me in the back of my head. I don't really notice it at first until Marlene's blush turns into a horrified gaping face.

"Lily…"

I look to the right, and in my peripherals I can see something white dangling in my hair. I reach up and grab it, and realize that it's a tampon. My breath quickens and I can feel myself break out into a cold sweat. I look around and see James and his posse leaning against a wall. I hadn't even noticed them show up.

James raises his arm again and whips a handful of tampons at me. Most of them fall to my feet, but the fluffy cotton of the tampons get stuck in my hair.

"Stop it!" Shrieked Dorcas.

I can't move or think, but just stare at James. I know that I'm going to cry, but right now all I can do is breathe because the very air around me seems to be compressing my body to immobility.

"Hey fatty, saw you and the nurse this morning. I wish everyone could have seen your face. You looked like you were about to die."

He reaches into the swiped box of tampons that the nurse usually keeps around for emergencies like mine was. He takes out one that's still in its package. He slowly rips it open and giggles at the applicator.

"You shove this up there? Ew."

Sirius giggles with James while Remus and Peter look like they're about to puke. James pushes the applicator so that the tampon pops out.

"They should make one for your big mouth. Maybe then you'll shut up."

"Fuck off Potter!" Dorcas yells shrilly. Marlene decides at this point to run off and find a teacher.

Marlene's sudden movement seems to jar me out of shock and I follow suit. I book it down the corridors to the Transfiguration class. Everyone's going in and I pace back in forth trying to cool down my feelings. Don't cry. Do not cry. Lily Evans you are made of tougher stuff. Do not cry.

I manage to gulp down a sob and wipe snot from pending tears on my sleeve. I walk into class and sit down. Professor McGonagall comes up to me, Marlene following closely behind.

"Miss Evans. Lily. You should rest assured that what happened to you will never happen again. Potter will be severely punished." She says. Her nostrils are flared and she's shaking. "What you're going through." She continues stiffly "is natural, and you should not be ashamed in any way."

I nod and stare straight ahead. I know that if I make eye contact with anyone that I'll break down. Come on girl. You're made of tougher stuff. McGonagall reaches forward and awkwardly removes a tampon from my hair.

The posse enters with James leading. He's smiling triumphantly.

"Potter. Black. Lupin. Pettigrew. See me after class." Says McGonagall sharply. The boys immediately sober up.

The class begins normally. As expected with a class called transfiguration, we are in fact transfiguring some shit. McGonagall is her usual strict but kinda cool self.

Everything seems to get a bit better.

But then I make the mistake of getting up to go to the bathroom. I come back into the class, ignore James' audible 'EW.' And sit down.

Class ends a few minutes later and I get up. I hear snickering and I decide to ignore it and walk away. Bad mistake Lily. Bad, Bad call.

Marlene rushes up behind me and rips off a pad that was stuck to my butt.

Of course! Leave it to Potter to push it even farther and put a pad upside down on my seat so it'd stick to my ass. OF COURSE.

Predictably, this makes me snap and I sprint in the direction of my dorm and hide out for the rest of the day.

The Man chuckles beside me. "You've gotta hand it to him, the kid had gall."

"But why me?" I ask exasperated.

"He likes you and you shoot him down, its second nature for little boys to retaliate with violence." He explains. I sigh and sit down and knead my forehead in preparation for the inevitable burning. A few seconds later a particularly nasty sting makes its way to my eyebrows.

...James POV...

James had about an hour before his meeting at Gringotts. He decided to take a shower, and relax a bit. There was no use worrying over Lily when she undoubtedly was not worrying about him.

The shower was nice. It was one of the main reasons they chose this flat. It had lots of pressure so it felt like a massage; it was large and had a lot of shelf space for Lily's many shampoos. James took his time washing up and indulged his vain side by using Lily's most expensive conditioner called La Rose. When he stepped out of the shower he noticed that his hair was softer.

He made himself a nice breakfast: fried eggs, toast and a hot cup of coffee. He sat on the windowsill that over looked the street below and munched on his food while browsing Daily Prophet.

After a rather uneventful forty minutes James cleaned his dishes and left the flat, deciding to walk and take the long route to Daigon Alley. It was a nice day out and there wasn't too much slush on the ground.

James said his hellos to the passersby that he knew, shook hands with some ministry officials, saying he'd give his regards to his parents for them.

It was then that it struck him how normal his life had suddenly become. Even though there was a war going on, his little bubble of a world was painfully normal. Even his assignments from Dumbledore were so commonplace now, and the fights with Lily afterwards. It was so fucking normal.

Since when was he so desensitized?

He supposed that this feeling was what everyone was going through. The first body count ever was a really big deal. There were eight dead, and they held this huge procession for the bodies and families.

Now he didn't even blink when he saw a body count of thirty two. No huge ceremonies, just small family events.

Since when was brutality and death so accepted?

Whatever.

James breezed through the Leaky Cauldron and made his way into Diagon Alley. The crooked buildings and narrow streets seemed to shield the icy wind.

He sighed in relief when he arrived in the warmth of Gringotts. He stepped up to the counter and announced that he was here by appointment. He was led to an office three floors up where he met with the goblin that had dealt with both his and his parents finances.

"From January to present am I right?" Asked the goblin. James nodded and tried to stifle a yawn as the goblin took him through every purchase of the last year.

- Me! -

Oh wow. That. Is so weird.

What the hell, Potter? I mean really. What. The hell?

Fuck. It's like every memory in this goddamn cesspool of a life has to do with James!

Me and the Man were just retiring to a supposedly James free memory to give my brain a break. It was just a normal memory of Dorcas and I napping in a park. It's actually a really cute memory, it was about the time that the two of us got really close. Like…close enough to cuddle in a park.

And who's creeping?

One guess, folks.

Starts with a J…ends with an Ames.

His appearance is about fifteen seconds long, and he's barely visible, which is why I didn't even realize until the Man, who'd been poking around pointed him out to me. He's in shorts and running shoes, apparently going out for a jog. It sort of makes sense because this park is only a block away from Diagon Alley.

But there he is, standing maybe 20 feet away beside a tree, stretching his leg.

Well "stretching" "his" "leg"

Emphasis on the ""

He just stares at us. If it weren't for the Man I never would have noticed.

Why didn't James come to harass me? What's stopping him? Dorcas and I aren't wearing particularly flattering clothes. My heads on her stomach, her hand is lying limply across my stomach. It isn't very erotic. We're just…napping.

I reiterate. WHAT THE HELL.

"We don't have to erase this memory do we?" I plead. "I mean this is a pretty significant memory for my friend Dorcas and I, and I didn't even realize James was there. I mean I vaguely remember seeing some guy running the track, but I never realized it was him."

The Man swishes his wand to the ready position, and I put my hand on his wrist. "We already agreed that James is too entrenched in my life to completely eradicate and me and Dorcas talk about this memory a lot. You can't take this one away from me."

He nods reluctantly and lowers his wand. "So it has begun." He mutters.

I have no idea what the eff he's talking about, but I don't bother to respond. I look the Man over as he surveys Dorcas and I. His face is familiar and I wouldn't be surprised if he was in his seventh year when I was in my first or second. I'm sure I've seen him around.

He isn't bad looking, really. His slicked back hair actually works to his advantage. The whole slicked style usually makes a guy look kind of greasy and shifty. But he just looks nice.

Maybe Greek?

He turns back to me "Ready?" I sigh and cast one last look at our sleeping forms, and James unreadable expression.

"Yeah I guess so."

The gold swirls surround us and I feel my body lift from the back of my head. For a few moments I hang in dead air before landing softly outside a Muggle Studies class. Dorcas had asked me to be her visual for her presentation on Muggle Dance.

I was standing outside wearing black leotards, a mildly small black unitard that was fit for a prepubescent girl without boobs, and a black sarong. I used to take dance before the Hogwarts letter came. Since then Mum had sent me to dance camps over the summer. Dorcas loved the costumes.

After some tepid clapping Dorcas opened the door and Lily entered. There were some murmurs and some appreciative giggles. Looking at it now, the unitard was far too small, and offered more cleavage than the boys in that class ever saw on a classmate.

"So fat and a slut eh Evans?" James muttered.

I can see the blush seep into my cheeks and spread to my ears and neck. My jaw clenches, and Dorcas brandishes her wand threateningly behind her back.

"Potter you're just jealous because you know that no matter how hard you try you'll never amount to half of what I am." I mutter furiously. I prance away and take my first position and wait for the music.

Dorcas walks over to the gramophone and puts the needle on the record. Piano music warbles out of the cone, and I dance.

The Man starts to swish.

This memory has me thinking though.

I learned self respect through James' incessant harassment. Who will I be when I wake up without the memories to back myself up?

-James-

"Your most recent withdrawal, Mr. Potter was this morning at 9 am." Said the Goblin. James frowned.

"I guess that was Lily then."

"The withdrawal was made for Wishful Thinking Inc for the amount of one hundred and fifty galleons." Said the Goblin.

James sat back in his seat perplexed. _Wishful Thinking Inc_? What was that?

"Do you approve this? If so, then we will allow the transaction to occur. If not, then whatever goods or services your…significant other has purchased will cease."

James thought of all the things that Lily would need right now. An abortion? But who names an abortion clinic _Wishful Thinking Inc_.?

Food? Hang over remedies?

Well whatever it is, James knew that if he ceased the transaction, Lily would have his ass on a grill.

"No thanks, you can proceed."

**A/N:**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, yada yada yada.**

**Ooooo So close James! Bahahaha**

**Ehm. I have a shit ton of work that I **_**should**_** be doing. So the chapters will be short for awhile. I apologize. **

**Thank you ladies and gents for reviewing. I hope you enjoyed! **

**In terms of the deteriorating relationship and why there's no info. Trust. It'll come. Be patient, and it'll all come in snippets until the end, when you'll all be like 'OH SNAP!'**

**Until then….**

**PEACE.**


	5. Legs Break Like Straw

"Ahem…Dear Lily, it has come to our attention that over the summer months your breasts have grown from B cups to C cups. We hear they are large and pert. Please stop by the second floor of the boy's dormitory the second of September for a breast examination. Sincerely yadda yadda yadda….They've outdone themselves this year. What I want to know is how they knew. You've been away at camp for the past three weeks." Mutters Severus.

I roll my eyes from my bed. 'How they knew? Sounds like they aren't the only ones documenting my growth.' I say sardonically as I flip through a magazine.

Severus blushes and starts stammering.

Even though I'd been at camp, it does not show. I'm not one of those lucky girls who look like they've been dipped in caramel and my hair is just frizzy instead of long, silky and bleached. I'm just pale and smell like sunscreen.

"I was in Diagon Alley yesterday, perhaps they saw me there?"

Severus is sitting on the white wicker rocking chair across from me, staring furiously at the parchment. "So what're you going to do to get him back?" He asks.

"Nothing." I say.

"Nothing?"

"I'm over it, Sev. Over him. I'm just so over it. He can harass me all he wants; I can't be bothered to care anymore."

"Good."

The Man lifts his wand and swishes it around. The letter dissolves into ash and blows away, leaving the memory hollowed out with simple idle chit chat with Severus about dance camp and the like.

We're lifted up and away to the first day of classes. I'm hugging a very tanned Dorcas, who spent the summer in the south of France on an exchange program.

"So do you speak fluent French now Dorc?"

"Un Peut. Je veux juste un garcon." She replied cheekily. I snicker and Marlene cocks her head to the side.

"Oh, I hope you don't speak French all the time now, I don't understand a word of it." She whined.

"Heads up, Potter ten o'clock." Mutters Dorcas. I roll my eyes and turn around slowly to see gangly James and his posse a little ways away. Sirius keeps pushing him towards me, but he resists. Which is odd.

He catches my eye and stands up straight, punching Sirius in the arm when he tries to push again. "Alright, Evans?"

"Yep."

"Lookin' good, eh?"

"Can't say the same for you."

Everyone but myself and Potter go "oooOOOOOoooo!" in that annoying 'you got served' kind of voice.

"Yeah, well you might want to pull your skirt down a bit, everyone can see your cellulite." He retorts. I scoff, suddenly this seems so easy. It's funny how it works that when you stop caring about someone, their insults just roll off your back.

"Actually, I don't have cellulite at all. In fact, if you looked closer, you'd see that I actually look good, as opposed to you. You, my sad gangly peer, look like a five year old, and the peach fuzz on your face that you're trying to grow? Looks like pubic hair. There are perverts in the park that look less sketchy than you."

James just stands there, completely shell shocked that I for the first time am witty enough to reply with something other than 'go to hell.'

Confidence inspires a certain menace in young girls.

"Ouch Evans. That's below the belt." Says Sirius.

"As if any of you lot have ever had any regard for what can be deemed as 'below the belt.' Besides, in Potter's case, there isn't anything below the belt to warrant an 'ouch,' so there's no use in the guilt trip." I say scathingly. I swish my wand and let my trunk float up to my side. With my girls in tow we leave the boys behind, for the first time having the upper hand.

Watching this memory now has stretched a perpetual smile across my face. My god I'm so proud of myself. TAKE THAT ASSHOLE!

MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

The Man is chuckling beside me, and pats me on the shoulder.

After the Sorting, I make my way upstairs with the girls. I see Severus on my way and I wave him over.

"Sev! You shoulda been there. I told Potter off so good!"

Severus smiles and squeezes my shoulder. "We'll talk tomorrow, Library, same place same time?"

I nod, and we part. Marlene and Dorcas are up ahead and I start to jog to catch up. Just as I begin, I feel a hand pull at my bag and drag me into a class room. I stumble backwards with a shout and land flat on my ass. I look up and see Potter standing over me with an odd look on his face. He keeps looking at me, then looking away. It's like he can't bear to see me, but can't look away. It's a very odd seesaw.

I stay sprawled on the floor and Potter's eyes travel up my legs and to my crotch, where my skirt has been hiked up and my underwear is on clear display for him. He just stares for a few seconds, before I kick him in the shin.

"What the fuck Potter?" I shriek. "You bloody tosser, stop looking at me like that."

James complies, which strikes me as weird at the time. I get up on my own and face him, my wand drawn.

"So what do you want? A duel to regain your pride?" I ask wryly.

Potter just stares at me.

"Oh my God Potter." I whine. His staring is unsettling me and I don't know what I'm doing here. This whole situation is so fucking awkward and confusing, and James isn't doing anything. I don't know what to do with myself so I just stand there. James finally looks away.

"I'm sorry for the letter." He says quickly.

"Fuck you Potter." I retort. He looks at me again, and he's really startled. "What? You think I'm going to forgive you? Where are Lupin, Black and Pettigrew? Where are you hiding them?" I say as I stomp around the room. I open up cupboards and look under the desks. James just stands there looking horrified.

"So what prank is it this time?" I'm red faced and my chest is heaving. I've clearly snapped and the past three years of bullying have finally built up to this moment where I finally have the courage and the confidence to speak my mind. I walk right up to him, and get so close that he doesn't have anywhere to look but at me.

"I-I…"

"I-I-I…" I mock. "I-I-I what. What. Potter. You-you-you what. You…think I'm a fat slut? You…think I'm pathetic? What."

James is completely blind sided by my whirl wind anger. I can see him visibly thinking, trying to collect his thoughts.

"I just wanted to talk." He says. His voice is so small, and his glasses are sliding down his face.

"No. You don't. You never want to 'talk.' You've never wanted to talk to me for the sake of talking to me. Ever. So what's the catch?"

"I-I just wanted to say something."

I tap my foot impatiently and cross my arms. "Well out with it, because I want to get back to my real friends and back to people who aren't assholes."

James stares at me blankly. He takes a deep breath and lunges at me. He tries to kiss me but misses because I step back in shock. I shove him away and he stumbles into the desk. He stands up straight and grabs my hands and tries to kiss me again.

"Gedawfme!" I yell. James stands back, his glasses are askew and he's breathing heavily.

I stare at him.

He stares at me.

I pick up my bag and run from the room. I don't stop even when I reach the common room. I walk briskly by the couch, and call out as I make my way up to the girl's dormitory. "Marlene! Dorcas! Emergency Pow Wow!"

The girls jump up and follow me up the stairs.

James POV

James left Gringotts a short while after. He wandered around Diagon Alley before going to meet Remus, Sirius and Peter for butterbeers. James felt much lighter hearted as he entered the Leaky Cauldron. There were his friends, patiently waiting for him. His boys, who will always be his friends no matter what time of month it was, no matter how many times he left the toilet seat up, or the garbage out, or the lube out when parents visited, or how much he farted, burped, yawned during girly 'movies,' or rolled his eyes at girly gossip. His friends.

"Boys! Glad to see you!" Said James.

"Have you seen Lily?" Asked Sirius before James could even sit down. As quick as it came, the happy feeling left.

"No." He answered.

"Do you know where she is at least?"

"Nope."

"James."

"Sirius, get off my back, alright?"

"You aren't trying very hard to look for her" said Sirius.

"Well I haven't really had a chance to."

"That's a crap excuse" said Peter.

"Will you all just shut up and be my friend instead of Lily's? Just for a second, please?"

"Sorry, man." Said Sirius. James shrugged and ordered his drink. This was one agonizing day.

-Me!-

"I don't get it Sev! Why did he try to kiss me?" I whisper harshly in the library. Severus looks like he's going to puke all over his text book.

"Did you kiss back?" He whispers.

"I told you, no."

"Are you sure?"

"Focus Sev!"

"Well, it's obvious isn't it?" Says Severus miserably. He's flipping through the text book in frustration, not really registering what he's looking at. "He likes you."

"But that doesn't make sense!" My frustration is building up with his. "If he liked me he wouldn't be such a dick head!"

"Can we please talk about something else?" Severus begs, "We've been talking about this for too long, and it's getting me worried that you're so obsessed about it."

"Obsessed? I'm not obsessed! I have every right to be flabbergasted! This is so out of the blue! I don't know how to react!" I gasp, and then stare at Severus in astonishment, "That's it! Potter has sunk to a new low! This is his way of getting back at me. It's all a cruel joke to throw me! He doesn't like me; he's just using that as a cover to do something horrid!" I say in relief.

Severus rolls his eyes and mutters something like 'denial.' I ignore him and smile to myself.

"Ha. Thought he could fool me, that fuck. I'll get him."

The next day, I'm walking down the hall and James approaches me. "Let's talk." He says, and walks away into a class room. I sigh and pull out my wand. I poke my head into the class and look behind the door, looking for Sirius to be hiding.

"So where's the ambush?" I ask as I point my wand at any potential hiding places.

James sighs and walks towards me. "Hey!" I yell, "Don't come any closer. Let's see your hands."

James' shoulders slump and he pulls out his wand and puts his arms in the air. He seems so put out that I don't trust him. He's genuinely hurt that I'm being precautious.

"Okay. You've got 15 seconds. Spit it out." I say.

"Fifteen seconds? Come on Lily, I just want to talk to you."

"Ten seconds!" I say shrilly.

James panics and starts to sputter. "okay, okay, okay. So I like you. And I want you to be my girl friend." He says. My wand lowers and I look at him. What? What. The fuck?

"You, what?" I stammer.

"I like you. A lot. So much. I really like you, Lily." He says. His eyes are searching mine, praying that I give away some sort of emotion. Praying that I feel the same way.

Instead I'm just genuinely confused. I look at my younger self, and I look at young James. Man, if only I had been more observant. My heart softens at how vulnerable James made himself. His lips are so relaxed, his brow smooth and open. His whole body is open and on the line.

"The joke is over Potter. Just hex me and get it over with." I say quietly.

"What?" He says just as quietly.

"Just hex me, and get it over with." I spit.

"No, Lily, I don't want to hex you. I like you! Why would I do something like that?"

"Good question Potter." I say, "Why have you made my life a living hell for the past three years, if you like me as much as you claim?"

James' mouth opens and closes. I don't think he thought it through this far.

"But I want you to be my girlfriend." He says quietly. There's a tremble in his voice and he reminds me so much of a child.

"Get real Potter!" I say wildly. For some reason I can't register that he's being serious. I keep looking around the room, waiting for Lupin or Black to pop out. This can't be real. This can't be true. "You can't be serious. You can't like me."

"Why not?" He asks. His voice is devastated and it breaks a bit.

"Because you're an ass hole! Did you just expect me to forget the past three years? Did you just expect me to suddenly like you just because you decide that I'm pretty enough for you? What about thinking I'm a slut huh? Are you going to pay me to be your girl friend?"

"No."

"So you still think I'm ugly and fat?"

"No."

"THEN WHY. DID YOU. CALL ME IT?" I scream. "WHY?"

"I don't know." He won't look me in the eyes. He's so ashamed that all he can do is scuff his shoe on the ground.

"I hate you James Potter. And if you think you'll ever have a chance with me, you're going to have to try worlds harder than this to win me over. You have made the last three years, years which were supposed to be fun and enjoyable, a living hell. The joke is over Potter. So stop whimpering and go find someone else to torture."

I look on in horror as I watch myself stamp out of the room. James is almost close to tears he's so mortified. And me? I just walk away all proud of myself, not registering for a second that this wasn't a joke at all. He meant every word of it, and I just jam packed three years of torture in the span of a few sentences and got my revenge.

Wow.

The Man looks at me. "You're quite the spit fire."

I shake my head and turn away. "Just do your job."

**A/N:**

**Hai. Hum…hokay. So there's that.**

**It's short. I know. But it will be for a long time. So deaaaal. **

**Thanks for previous reviews. Leave me loving on this one. I really enjoyed writing this chapter. So YAY FOR MEEEEE.**

**Next chapter is where it starts to get really intense. So buckle your seat belts!**

**Werd.**


	6. Repugnance Under Attack

The next day we're all outside having a breakfast picnic. It's just Dorcas, Marlene and I. We keep chatting about James and how much of a dink he is.

"I can't believe you told him had to try harder, though." Says Dorcas, "I mean, that's just an invitation to keep going, you know?"

I sit there munching on my toast and shake my head. "I'm pretty sure I made my sentiments known."

"He hasn't stopped looking at you though," says Dorcas.

"Ugh, whatever. He's such a dick." I say in response.

Marlene looks up in the sky and chokes on her toast. "Lily…"

I look up and my shoulders slump. '_Go out with me Lily!'_ is written in the sky.

"How original." Dorcas mutters. My cheeks are about as red as the raspberry jam. This cannot be happening.

The man is chuckling beside me. I'm laughing a bit as well. The kid had gall.

I stand up and march up to the castle. James is waiting in the entrance hall, an expectant smile on his face. There are a few other people standing around. Some girls are 'awww'ing and whining about how much money they'd give to have someone do that for them.

James sees me and immediately the smile shifts from expectant and almost nervous to arrogant.

"Lily Evans!" He says grandly, "let these people bear witness to my undying love for you!"

Oh come on. No tact at all. If he had gotten to know me at all he'd realize that I'm not easily won over by big gestures such as writing in the sky. As cute as that is, it's something anyone can do. It's about the small personal stuff. If he ever took the time, he'd know that.

I'm absolutely mortified because everyone is just staring at me. Everyone wants me to swoon. Instead my back rises like a cat and I let the anger take over my body. It's the only thing that I can do.

"Go out with me Lily." He says in a vaudeville kind of way.

"NO!" I shriek. "No, no, no, no, no!"

James doesn't seem fazed at all. He in fact puts a hand to his heart and cries "My heart! It's breaking!"

"So he masks his actual liking for you by over playing it." Mutters Dorcas wisely. I look at her, and she can tell by my expression and the fact that I can't move that I need to get out of here. She takes my by the arm and facilitates the walk away. As soon as we start walking, my body awakens and we run. Marlene isn't too far behind, huffing and puffing as she goes.

The crowd behind 'boo's and I can hear one of the girls good humouredly say "I'll go out with you."

The rest of the memories that the Man takes me through are of the same effect. James doing these grand gestures, or trying to show off his talents and me running away.

The Man shifts this memory to the sky saying _I love you Lisa_, and the three of us looking up in the sky and becoming those girls that say "man, if some guy did that for me…"

- James –

James was quiet for awhile, and the boys soon took notice. Usually their meetings in the pub were boisterous and chalk full of banter.

"What's up mate?" asked Peter.

"Ever heard of Wishful Thinking?" asked James.

"Jeeze sorry, didn't mean to interrupt you" said Peter.

"No, I mean the company 'Wishful Thinking'" said James.

Sirius contemplated it for a moment. "Sounds familiar. Why?"

James sloshed his drink around in his mug for a moment. "This morning I was getting my finances in order, and the accountant mentioned that Lily made a transaction this morning with a company called Wishful Thinking. It's been bothering me, because I don't know what she could possibly have bought."

"Have you checked an inventory?" asked Remus.

James shook his head, "I don't own one."

Remus got up and borrowed one from the bar. Together the four of them scoured the pages.

"There!" exclaimed Peter.

"It doesn't really say anything though, not even an address." said James.

"Then how did she find it? How did she even know about it?" asked Sirius.

James shrugged and took a swig from his drink. "Maybe it's one of those cloaking charms. It won't reveal itself to you unless you really want it?"

The boys stared at the name. They were stumped.

-Me!-

Ugh. Fifth year.

The memory is of James at Christmas. Before he had decided that he liked me, he would send me dungbombs that would explode the minute I opened the package, or those stupid invisible mites that would bite your skin and these painful purple bumps would appear and wouldn't go away for days on end.

I'm sitting at the windowsill with Dorcas. It's a nice evening out and the common room is pretty much deserted. James and his posse are by the fire and our groups ignore each other for the most part. Remus politely asked us to join them, but after seeing that James was sitting there I naturally declined.

"'Kay so…Would you rather give head to Jizzface for 5 years or be Slughorns baby mama?"

"Ew. Obviously baby mama. I'm sorry but being restricted to my knees for five years would get old fast, at least with Slughorn I can use the baby as an excuse not to have sex with him." I respond. "Besides cum isn't sufficient nourishment." I add as an afterthought.

"Yeah but you'd have to have sex initially in order to fulfill the whole baby mama aspect." Argues Dorcas.

"Am I legal?"

"Sure."

"Well then I'd get drunk off my ass first, then it wouldn't make a difference."

"Good point."

"Would you rather…Be Petey's Siamese twin or Sirius' dirty mistress?" I ask.

"I'll take Black for four hundred please."

"Really?"

"You know what they say…Once you go Black you can't go back."

"I'll keep that in mind." I say to Dorcas. "Your turn." Dorcas however isn't paying attention; rather she's looking past my shoulder.

"Jizzface 6 oclock." She whispers.

A finger taps my shoulder and I see Potter behind me.

"Hey Lily, hey Dorcas," he says, "Mind giving Lily and I a few minutes please?"

I sigh heavily and curl up below my blanket a little more to allow James some room for his gangly legs. He takes a seat and smiles but his eyes don't meet mine.

"How's your break going?" He asks.

I shrug and stare at him. He's finally started shaving his peach fuzz regularly. It seems I finally got it through his head that sparse patches of scraggly hair do not constitute a beard.

"Well mine has been good- a little dull – but good."

I nod and shrug my shoulders a bit as if to say 'is this it?' A few moments pass in silence and James takes a deep breath of air and finally says what he has come here to say.

"I bought you a Christmas present. A real one to make up for all the terrible gifts-er pranks I've pulled on you before." He says. I raise my eyebrow and wait patiently as he pulls out a little box. It's dark blue with an ivory bow painstakingly arranged on top. My name is scrawled on a small card that's taped to it. I take it with trepidation and search his face for any hint of farce.

I pull at the bow and watch as it unravels with ease and falls into my lap. I lift the lid and wince by reflex, waiting for the dungbomb to release. Instead there is silence and odour free air.

I take a closer look and see two silver shapes. They're wings. Silver wings hanging off a silver chain.

"They're wings." He says eagerly.

"I can see that thank you." I say.

I pull them out. They're cold to the touch. The grooves are detailed; they really do look like little silver wings.

"Because I'm such an angel?" I ask sardonically.

"No…though that's a good line." He says. I look up and he's staring back intently. "They're just wings. Nothing more, nothing less. Sorry I'm not more creative but I figure everyone needs wings."

I nod. "Thanks. I guess."

"Don't mention it." He says. I place them back in the box. "So I was thinking… tomorrow is supposed to be nice weather, like warm and stuff. Do you want to walk with me down to the lake or something?"

I shake my head. "No thanks."

His proposal is in earnest as opposed to his more public and extravagant pleas, so my response is frank, sparing him the insults and the equally extravagant rejections. He nods and looks like I've just given him some sort of problem that he needs to work out. His brow is furrowed and he begins to look distracted. He heads back to the fire and flops down next to Peter. The other three immediately lean in and wait for his report. Dorcas comes back to sit with me and pulls at my blanket to share.

"He gave me wings." I state and I show her the box. Her characteristic half smile perks up. "I don't wear jewelry." I say.

"That's too bad, it's a gorgeous necklace, simple but beautiful." She says as she examines the necklace.

With a swish of the wand a Tawny Owl slips out of the tip of The Mans wand and carries a small parcel "from my grandmother" and The Man shifts the memory and James never ventures from the fire to me. It's totally legit if you ask me: grandmothers always give their grandchildren useless gifts. Jizzface turns into Peter. I still go with being a baby mama. The Man agrees.

We sift through the rest of the fifth year and The Man begins to openly chuckle at the many plots, pleas and plans for Potter to win my heart.

Sixth year included some rather brash displays of affection from Potter. Not to me, but to other girls. Potter would ask a girl to go out with him, and then glue his face to hers every time I passed like a leech. It was like he was saying 'Hey, aren't I such a catch? Don't you want to be where this girl is?'

AS. IF.

Although there is one memory – the one we're in right now – that made me…not jealous…but wistful.

James is in a hallway with his current flavour. She's almost as tall as him. Great legs. Short pixie cut hair. Leaning elegantly up against the wall. His legs are in between hers like a zipper. They're just casually standing there engaged in playful banter. For once James doesn't spot me and this is just a pure moment.

She says something and James says "oooooouch!" and it echoes through the empty hall. His hands reach up and rub her upper arms as if to warm her. I can barely make out him saying "You must have freaked!" She nods enthusiastically and says "You have no idea."

She continues her story, but I'm still stuck at the end of the hallway thinking about that simple movement: His hands rubbing her arms in a friendly comforting way. He's so warm and easy with her. God if only a guy would be like that with me. James never touched me like that, not even during the good times of our relationship. Never so easy.

I nervously tuck a strand of hair behind my ear and walk away in the opposite direction but my mind is still on that moment.

"Just…completely wipe that memory please." I say to The Man.

"Are you sure you don't want me to change it so that you take her place?" He asks cheekily. I glare at him and turn around and wait for the sickly gold swirls to envelope us yet again.

-James-

James and Sirius waved goodbye to the other two boys and walked off in the direction of James' home. Sirius sauntered besides James his hands planted deep into his front pockets with a cigarette hanging loosely in his mouth.

"That name is going to be nagging me for the rest of the day now." Sirius muttered and he took a drag. "I know I've heard of it before, but I just can't place my finger on it. Recently too."

"Well let's think of the title, what could it possibly mean?" said James.

"Wishful Thinking. Well that usually means regret in some form, yeah?" began Sirius.

"Yeah."

Sirius stopped and looked at James wide eyed. "Wishful thinking. I remember the name now. Mildred. Mildred something or other went there. One of Andromeda's friends or something."

"And? What happened?" Asked James eagerly.

"I can't remember. I know that Andromeda will be around right about now, you go home and I'll go ask her about it."

James nodded and watched his friend flick his cigarette into the gutter and trot off down a secluded street then disapparate. He sighed and continued his walk back to his apartment all the while fighting off the anticipation and nervousness starting to eat at his chest.

**A/N:**

**Getting warmer James! muahahaha**

**Okay, it's three in the morning again. I've really got to stop writing so late in the night. I'm sure my grammar is terrible. I'm sorry :(**

**Review if you please! **


	7. Fast Rewind

'Hello? Yeah she is. Who's calling? Oh. Hi. Yeah, just a sec. LIIIIIILLLY! Phone's for youuuu!'

"Hello?"

"Lily? It's Mar,-

"Marly baby, what's going on?"

"Have you gotten your letter yet?"

"No, why?"

"Kay, so, I was in Diagon Alley the other day and I ran into Sirius and James. So we start talking, right? And James is all like 'hey,' and I'm like 'hey,' and he's like 'how's it goin' and I'm like 'fine,' so we're like talking and whatever and Sirius is all quiet, and finally he's like 'James, you haven't told Mar the good news yet,' and I'm lookin' at James and he's real uneasy y'know? So then I'm like 'what?' And James starts tryin' to change the subject. So Sirius starts reemin' him in and out talkin bout how he shouldn't be so worried or whatever. And guess. What."

"What Mar?"

"Kay, promise not to freak out."

"Promise."

A moment's hesitation and then "James is Head Boy."

"Oh my god" I say.

"I know, right?"

"Oh my god!"

"I KNOW, RIGHT!"

I'm clinging to the phone with my mouth gaping open. On the kitchen table is a stack of mail. I reach over while trying not to pull the phone cord too far and reach for the stack. Mar is silent, waiting for me to freak out. I slowly sift through the envelopes and find mine. The Hogwarts crest is stamped into a large glob of red wax. I peal open the envelope and pull out the cover letter.

"Congratulations Miss Evans, You have earned the position of Head Girl." I read out.

Mar squeals over the phone. "You're so SCREWED!"

"I know right." I reply weakly.

A quick mutter and a swish...

"Hello? Hey Mar, what's up?"

"Guess who's HB?"

"Who?"

"Remus effing Lupin!"

I smile widely and say "Ka-Ching!"

"Moving on..." The Man mutters.

I'm at the platform milling around with Dorcas and Marlene gossiping about our summers. The Potter Subject arises a few minutes into the conversation.

"So how do you feel about being partners with him?" Asks Dorcas anxiously.

I shrug. "From what I've seen, Potter can be really professional. He really cares about Hogwarts and for years he's always whined about how he doesn't like the way things are structured. You could say that on one side he's being obnoxious and only hates the structure because he's usually on the brunt end of the punishments. On the other hand, he may genuinely care about the integrity of the school and use his position to improve it. Perhaps it's a bit of both."

"So you're not too torn up?" asks Dorcas.

"I'm more wary than anything" I reply.

Dorcas signals to me that he's walking over to us and I turn around. I don't smile at him or wave at him or do anything to signal that he's welcome. He knows by now that he shouldn't be that wishful.

"Hey Dorcas, Hey Marlene, Evans."

I quirk my brows at him in response and the girls respond with cheerful greetings. Dorcas hugs him as they haven't seen each other all summer. When they part James trains his gaze on mine, trying to assess if I'm furious at his 'good news.' I remain passive and wait for him to make his move.

"Mind if I borrow Lily for a few minutes, girls?" he asks.

Dorcas and Marlene look to me for permission then leave with their things as well as mine for the train. James watches them leave then shifts his gaze around the crowd.

"So what's it going to be Evans? A private place for you to scream my ears off, or a public place to humiliate me?" he asks.

I frown, "depends Potter, what exactly do you want to talk to me about?"

It's James' turn to frown now. "Aren't you?" he trails off.

I know what he's getting at and I decide to cut to the chase. "Aren't I angry that you're co-head with me? No, not really, more guarded than anything. This could potentially be the most disastrous pairing of people to be in positions of power. However as long as the two of us stay professional, organized and disciplined I think this could be a good year. Just because we don't get along doesn't mean we can't work together. We have to put forward a united front therefore any rule enforcement that occurs must be by both of us. I refuse to be displayed as the bad guy, and I refuse to allow my reputation as anal-retentive be taken advantage of and have all the tedious work be hefted on me. "

James is still frowning. "I think it's unfair of you to assume that I will make you be the bad guy, or that I'll leave all the paperwork to you. I wasn't appointed Head Boy without reason. I care very much about this job and I have a lot of plans to make sure that I prove to everyone that I can do this."

We gaze at each other for a few moments. "Fair enough" I concede.

James hands me a sheet of parchment on which he has written his ideas, plans and themes for the year. I fall into step beside him and read it. "Do you have the supplies with you?" I ask as I point to the first item on the list. He nods and pats his back pack.

"We should also make them think of themes for the first years. You know how in general we just sort of meet the first years, take them to the common room and then call it a night? We should make them not only facilitate the peer interaction but make it an event almost. So each group of first years has their own 'thing,' for example pirates or something."

James grins and seems excited that I accept his list so easily.

We wait in the compartment for the prefects to arrive. When they do we make the formal introduction. We explain the rules, the schedule, the patrol and other housekeeping issues. When we finish with all the usual things I look to James hesitantly.

"So Lily and I have a few ideas to try out this year and we'd like you to be as equally as excited about them as we are. First of all, I'd like you all to make door signs for all the students in your House. You are to make a theme for these door signs. This theme will be the entire theme of your house, for example if your theme is pirates, you could have a skull and cross bones on your door sign, and then it is up to you to organize three in house themed events for each term. We'd like for the focus to be fazed away from combative house pride to a stronger sense of community. If you need help organizing or getting ideas, feel free to bounce your ideas off us in each meeting. Remember that we are a team, we are each other's support system and as a unit we must enforce the feelings of support, unity and caring in both our team and the students. The other ideas will be presented in later meetings. So let's take the time to make these signs."

I look over at him allowing myself a moment to be quietly impressed and relieved. The Prefects seem to be equally impressed and are excited. James divvies out the construction paper, scissors and glue.

"uhm. Yoo don' fink oi moit be aybul to foind sumfink liok gli'er or spahkohs doo yoo?" asks Liz, the Ravenclaw Prefect.

James blinks and his brow knits together.

"Glitter or sparkles." I mutter.

James smiles apologetically and reaches into his bag and throws a small baggy at her.

Swish, swish, swish.

Why Lupin! What great ideas you have...The better to kick ass with my dear...

The Man sighs and cracks his neck to the side. He looks at me and I try to focus on his face but it gets fuzzy and all of a sudden I'm on the ground. I don't smell anything, I don't see anything and my ears are pounding with the rush of blood to my brain.

The Mans fingers prod the vein on my wrist and he repositions my body in a more comfortable position. I still can't tell which way is up.

"Stop panicking" he says.

I think I'm in pain, but I'm not quite sure. My vision clears and I realize I'm on my side with my right arm pulled up above my head so I have something soft to rest on. My left leg is bent and preventing me front rolling on my front.

His face is looming over mine and I puke. I feel better.

A few minutes later I'm standing and waiting patiently for the memory to change.

"The collapse is common," he says suddenly, "it's just a side effect."

The gold swirls surround us and I focus on watching James and I walk together in the hall. "So," I say, "You're muggle born."

The Man looks at me with a startled expression.

"The position you put me in is the one they teach in life saving classes."

He smiles, "Observant."

Sirius and Remus walk casually towards us and greet us.

"You're supposed to be in class" I say.

"Eh" shrugs Sirius, "aren't you?"

"Spare."

I look at James and it's clear on his face that he's torn. This is the first time to my knowledge that the boys have broken the rules. James steps forward before I do and says "guys, you know how important it is to be in class, especially this year. I'm docking ten points from each of you for truancy."

"Oh for cripes sake James," says Sirius. Remus accepts his punishment without a murmur. They walk away with Sirius whining and bleating about how much James sucks.

James sighs and rubs his hair.

"Thanks" I murmur. He looks over and gives me a quick smile.

"Erase completely?" The Man asks. I nod.

James

James sat in his apartment patiently waiting for Sirius to show up. He fiddled with the handle of his mug and traced shapes on the ceramic using drips of tea. He heard a pop outside his apartment and got up to greet Sirius at the door and he came in with an odd expression on his face.

"Okay, so I talked to Andromeda and she sent me in the direction of her friends place."

"And?"

"Well, I haven't gone yet because I think that it's something you should do with me."

James nodded and held onto Sirius' arm as they apparated together.

They arrived moments later in a long hallway. The door in front of them was a deep eggplant colour with a gold knocker and a gold handle. James lifted the knocker and rapped quickly. Onetwothreefour.five.

A short curvy woman answered the door. She had kind brown eyes and a vacant smile.

"Hi?" She said. Her eyes assessed the men in front of her. Salesmen?

"Hey Melissa, I'm Sirius, I'm related to Andromeda."

"What can I do for you?" asked Melissa.

James took the lead from Sirius and took a tentative step towards her. "Do you mind if we come in?"

They took a seat in her living room and waited for Melissa to get them tea and once seated James told her about Lily and the transaction.

"I'm sorry, I've never heard of it before." She said simply.

James frowned. "But I had heard that you used the same service."

The knocker rapped against the door and Melisa shrugged and went to answer the door.

"See, this is why An told me to bring you. She warned me it wouldn't make sense," muttered Sirius, "I'm positive that she's used it. Positive. Andromeda said that Melissa told her herself. She's lying to us."

"I thought her name was Mildred" said James. Sirius shrugged and straightened up as Melissa entered with her new guest.

-me

We're working quietly together in the common room. Our knees occasionally knock whenever I lean over to look at his work. His breath smells like peppermint. I've noticed that every time we meet, he brushes his teeth. It endears me to him in an odd way.

What grates on my nerves is how transparent he is in his efforts to 'casually brush my hand.'

"So Lily, tell me something about yourself" he says to me.

He asks me this all the time. It's something that he does whenever the silence has gone on too long. Maybe it's because I haven't seen Dorcas and Marlene in a while, or maybe because it's the holidays, or maybe it's because I've been so busy, but lately I've been feeling lonely. So I answer him.

"I love the smell of fresh paint."

He looks up with a half smile on his face. His eyes meet mine and he considers me for a moment.

"Tell me more."

"I hate the freckle on my top lip."

His eyes travel down to my lip and I kick myself inwardly. All of a sudden a wash of sexual static interrupts the space. He breathes in and inadvertently licks his lips.

"I agree with you," he says "that freckle is distinct."

"Oh?" I'm intrigued now because I would have expected him to say 'no, no, no you're beautiful.'

He sidles a little closer to me on the pretence of telling me a secret.

"From far away, it's hardly noticeable. Up close, it's so blaringly there that one can't help but gaze at it occasionally. It shouldn't be there because it makes your face vulnerable in a way. It interrupts the curve of your lips. It's only the size of a pin head and yet it changes so much about the way you look."

I breathe out. "Is this a roundabout way of calling me ugly?" I ask jokingly. Potter doesn't get the joke and immediately gets alarmed.

"No, not at all Lily. You're beautiful, so beautiful I can't seem to take my eyes off you."

I mask the blush on my face by looking down at my work. "Relax Potter, it's just a joke."

"I'm quite fond of you Lily." He says softly. I burst out laughing, not because it's funny but because my nerves are shot.

"You sound like a tool Potter." I guffaw.

He chuckles too and we both resume our work.

Abra Cadabra...youneverexisted!

Dorcas nearly body checks me into the bathroom.

My elbow is smarting from the beating it took from the sink because Dorcas pushed so hard.

"Dori, what the Hell?"

"You can't hide from me forever Evans, tell me everything!" She gushes.

"We're just getting supplies together. It's not a date, so stop your heart attack already." I say irritably.

Dorcas looks at me incredulously. "Lily. May I remind you that this is the same wank that threw tampons in your hair? Put poo stains on your pants? Called you fat every day?"

I lean against the sink and fiddle with the top button on my shirt. "What's your point?"

"I just...If you aren't dating then why do you spend so much time together?" She asks. It's hard not to miss the slightly bitter edge to her voice. I feel my impatience waver and I take a pleading step towards her.

"Dorcas. It's strictly Head business. We're entirely professional and trust me, if our schedules allowed for it I'd be spending all my time with you. You know that."

Dorcas sniffed, "I hate being the last person to know things."

I walk back into the hall. "You're too nosey for your own good Dor."

I see Potter up ahead rushing at me. "Evans. I've fucked up. I know you're really busy but I'm completely lost."

Dorcas turns her head and gives me a significant look before walking off towards class. He looks unusually dishevelled today and he's carrying a beaten piece of paper.

"I double booked Denvers and Richards for Saturday and Sunday. The problem is that the others have already planned their schedules around it. And as much as you hate it, all of the houses have planned their Quidditch practices and it's just one big CF and no matter how I negotiate it, no one leaves happy."

I take the crumpled piece of paper and look at the schedule. The solution is easy and I'd be inclined to be suspicious that it was intentional if it weren't for the expression on his face. "Easy, Potter. I'll take the shift."

Potter frowns and looks at the schedule. His face clears and immediately he looks panicked. "I wasn't trying. That wasn't a plan. It isn't fair to you to clean up for my mistake. I just wanted. I'm sorry-"

I roll my eyes. "Potter, relax. I wouldn't offer if I thought it was a rouse." I start walking away and fish an apple from my bag.

Potter isn't satisfied. "Lily, I'm sorry. Fuck. It seems like I've been doing everything wrong lately."

"The corridor incident wasn't your fault." I turn and remind him.

"I just didn't want to let you down" he mutters. I sigh and trudge back to him. I wait until he looks me in the eye.

"You haven't let me down Potter. Quite the opposite actually, you've really impressed me. These little incidents may seem like a big deal to you because you weren't a Prefect last year, so you aren't used to it. But really? You're doing a fine job. Stop worrying. Stuff happens, it's unavoidable. Especially with your lot around."

"Thanks, Evans" he says. I take a bite out of my apple and walk away.

Fzzzzzt. Gone.

I'm sitting at a table with Marlene and Sirius. James soon joins us and he takes a seat beside me. He takes out an apple and hands it to me while I pass him a report a proof read. I flick open my pen knife and cut the apple in half. I pass James half the apple as he passes me a water bottle. He places a folder on the table and I open it. I take the top two pages, he takes the other two. After a few scratches of our quills we switch papers and put sign each other's paper work.

"You two are the biggest losers I have ever seen." Says Sirius as he looks at the two of us.

James is startled. I know what Sirius means and am equally as aghast.

"You two spend that much time together that your movements are synchronized" says Sirius.

James looks at me, I look at him. Together we shrug and go back to our work.

We're sitting in the common room. We abandoned our work about an hour ago in favour of a stupid made up game. James pulls up a chocolate frog card and I have to guess who it is. It's silly but for some reason it entertains us to no end.

The year is halfway through and only a small portion of students stayed behind for Holidays.

"Evans. Would you say that we are friends?" asks James.

"I guess so. How'd that happen?" I ask lazily. My feet are propped up on his lap and I'm snuggled up in my blanket. I can feel The Mans presence somewhere behind the couch but I ignore him and continue on with the memory.

"I blame it on the head positions" he says, "You'd still hate me if you didn't have to spend so much time with me."

"You're like a communicable disease. You just grew on me."

"Now you're stuck with me" he says contentedly. I chuckle and kick him lightly in the thigh.

The Man twitches his wand, his lips a blur of incantations. I sigh, stand up and look for the next memory. My feet still feel warm from his body though.

"Hey Evans,"

"Yes?"

"I was thinking, you're stressed. I'm stressed. Hogsmeade is this weekend. I think we should dip into the student funds and treat ourselves to some relaxation."

"How about we settle for more honest means of purchasing said relaxation?"

"So, you let me buy you a few?"

For some strange reason I blush. Dorcas is right beside me and although this type of exchange is no longer a surprise, the blush is. James hasn't missed it either and he frowns and smiles at the same time. He's perplexed and delighted at the same time.

"Sure." I say. I try to be as nonchalant as possible but I know that I've caught the attention of everyone at the table.

James –

An older version of Melissa entered the room. She was about 15 pounds heavier with crow's feet and white hair stinging her temples. Melissa grasped her mother's hand as if she were a child again.

"James? Sirius? This is my mom, Heather."

James and Sirius stood up and shook hands with the woman who in turn was appraising them. Melissa was bouncing by her side smiling adoringly.

"New friends?" she asked.

"They have some questions for me, about some company called Wishful Thinking." said Melissa.

Something flickered in Heather's face and she sat down. She too shrugged and said she didn't know anything about the company. Perplexed the men left the flat and walked out onto the street.

"That was so strange," said Sirius.

They began walking back towards downtown London. They kept to their own thoughts, trying to find a way to escape square one.

Ten minutes later Sirius hissed something from the corner of his mouth. "We're being followed."

James slowed down under the pretence of looking at a street vendors mushy oranges. Out of the corner of his eye he could see a small flash of brown hair bob in and out of the crowd.

"Mom, or daughter?" asked James. He directed the question at the vendor who drowsily gurgled though he was actually talking to Sirius. He mumbled so as not to alert their follower they knew of her presence.

"Mom" answered Sirius.

They continued to walk casually along the sidewalk communicating from the corners of their mouths about where to lure her.

They turned off into a quiet street and quickened their pace. James dashed behind a dumpster and Sirius took refuge in a shadowy stoop.

Quiet wheezing soon echoed down the street and Heather came bustling into view. She slowed down and walked just past where James was hiding.

"Damn" she muttered to herself.

James stepped out of his hiding spot and coughed loudly. The woman yelped and whirled around to face him.

"Why are you following us?" he asked.

Sirius joined him moments later, his eyes probing her, searching her face.

"Did David send you?" she asked. Her eyes were narrowed suspiciously.

"No. We're here on our own. What does this have to do with Wishful Thinking? I know you know the name. I could tell back in the apartment."

Heather searched their eyes for a few moments and straightened up. She stepped over to a crate and sat down. She placed her stuffed purse on her lap and brought a letter out.

"Did you happen to notice how my daughter seems a bit young?" she asked. James and Sirius nodded. "She wasn't always like that. Very sharp when she was younger. Very cunning, ambitious. That was before the procedure.

Melissa fell in love at a very young age. She had always been very mature considering how old she was, so I trusted her judgement. It was more important for me to be in her world than to be a mother." She said ruefully.

"It was just before Christmas that they started having issues. He was a nice boy, selfish and lazy, but nice. I liked him. But they fought and Melissa wanted more than what he could give. Melissa was always resourceful. She somehow found this establishment that you know to be Wishful Thinking Inc. The name changes every few years to protect themselves from authorities. She was gone for about six hours. I only know this because it was Christmas day and she was supposed to help me with the turkey. When she came back her eyes were fogged. She seemed more transparent and skittish than I remembered.

I said 'Mel, where's David?' and she just looks at me blankly. She says 'Who's David?' I thought she was angry at him, so I didn't give too much weight to it. When David did show up they had a row because he wanted to kiss her and she didn't know who he was. And that's when I realized, _she erased him from her memory."_

James felt his body suddenly seize. A cold trickle of horror fell down his spine and his mouth went dry. The woman continued on relentlessly. Her gaze intensified and her words came out urgently.

"But there are side affects to the erasing. You've seen them. She learned things when she was with David. New spells, new knowledge about the world and herself. All of it: news about the world, about her life and family. It was all erased along with David. She came out a shell of what she used to be."

"Is there hope for her?" asked Sirius desperately, "Can't she relearn the things she lost?"

Heather shrugged sadly, "Some things, like spells, yes, but life lessons? No, not really. She lost her self respect, her motivation and drive. Even forgets to do the simple things from time to time. Her father was shattered when he found out. Went on a rampage to find Wishful Thinking. We gathered from rumours that this business deals with erasing anything. From people, to specific events to entire lifetimes. We found out that the longer you're with someone, the more at risk you are. Melissa isn't even the worst case. She was with David since she was 14 and erased him at 21. Seven years. Four years later, and she still relies on me to buy her groceries.

She looked at Sirius and then James, "Do you know what it's like to lose someone so dear to you? With a death, it's a clean break. You heal. With Melissa, it's torture. I'm constantly reminded of who she was compared to who she is. It's a train wreck. David hasn't given up on her. Sends his friends to try to jog her memory. I just want to keep her safe now. Safe and secure."

James didn't need to do the math for Lily and him. He couldn't think of the implications. He couldn't dwell on that quite yet.

"How do you find it?" he choked out.

"You can't find it. You have to know what you want, and know where to look, and it'll find you." She said.

"And the letter?"

"This letter was sent to me five days after she came home. I've read it so many times it's burned in my memory. To whom it may concern. Melissa has erased David O'Keefe from her memory. Please be accommodating to this. This is not an illegal service. Do not try to find us. Do not try to take legal action. Only accept that the patient was fully sober and aware of his or her decision. Sincerely, Wishful Thinking Inc."

"Oh no." James muttered. He felt his knees wobble and he staggered into the dumpster for support. Eight years. Eight years they knew each other. Lily was going to be like Melissa. An emotional and academic vegetable. "Sirius," he said weakly, "Sirius we have to stop this."

"What's her name?" asked Heather.

"Lily."

"How long has Lily been missing?"

The dread only deepened and he looked at Sirius desperately. "About four and a half hours."

Heather jumped up and clutched his bicep fiercely. "Find her James. You still have time. You can save her. Save her from becoming Melissa. Lily didn't know. Any pain and anger she feels is better than what she faces now."

"I don't know how to find her." He said weakly.

"Notify the authorities-

"They're corrupt-

"Then find someone you trust and get their help. Save her James."

James took a deep breath and looked at Sirius. They nodded at each other and James stood up straight. They thanked Heather and gave her a squeeze before sprinting off down the street. They apparated into Hogsmeade and continued their sprint to the castle wildly hoping that Professor Dumbledore was around.

Me-

"Lily."

I look at him and I smile coyly. I know what I do to him and I'm taking advantage of it. Separate from the memory, I find myself enjoying the feeling of flirting with James. It's a welcome escape from the impending fights.

"Yes James?"

He clears his throat and rakes his hand through his hair. "I think I'm going to kiss you."

I bite back a smile and raise my eyebrow. He hesitates because I'm not resisting him or making a joke of it. He steps forward timidly, drops his shopping bag and places his hands awkwardly on my shoulders. I step into him and daringly place my hands above his hip dip. It's broad daylight and there are a few spectators and I relish in how uncomfortable he is. Taking my gesture as encouragement, his hands relax into a more sensual position at the base of my neck. He runs his thumbs along my collar bone in experimentation. He doesn't seem to quite trust that I want this yet.

His thumbs travel up along my throat. I gulp and shiver at the touch. No one has ever touched me this way. He bends his head down slightly, his eyes still trained on me. Our closeness makes his glasses fog and I giggle nervously. He takes a deep breath and I feel my weight rock forward onto the balls of my feet.

His lips are slick from his constant licking and chewing. They're warm and they sort of meld to my own lips. His breath smells like peppermint as always. His stubble scratches the corners of my mouth and my chin. It's nice though. He tastes good and he's warm.

He starts to get excited and I allow myself to close my eyes and enjoy the kisses. His lips begin pecking as he shifts his head to the other side of my nose. His tongue flicks out and I return in kind. The Man harrumphs.

"Just a few more seconds," I mumble into James' lips.

"Really Miss Evans, we have countless more memories of the two of you sucking face to erase. We really don't have time."

I sigh and we break a part. Regretfully I watch the memory of my first kiss to wash away.

Oh my God. My first kiss.

It's gone.

The swirls carry us to another memory before I can get too sentimental. I know that I had a first kiss with James...where were we? In Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade...

It's late at night and we're up in the Divination Room. The chairs are plush and comfortable. James is sitting on a stool facing the table and I'm straddling him using the table behind me for support. My shirt is ripped open and James is kissing my breasts, kneading them, massaging them. My back is arched and my head has fallen back lazily. My hair is pooled on the table and I can feel some of the knots James' insistent hands have worked into it. I straighten up and lean my forehead against his.

His hands are currently running up and down my thighs and I groan in appreciation. I'm grinding into his groin, and he responds.

I lift my head up. He looks at me and I smile shyly.

"Is this your first time?" he murmurs. I nod, and he smiles before reaching for my shoulders and bringing me into feverish kisses.

I undo my skirt for him and somehow my panties are gone without much effort. Before he enters me I hear a throat clear. "I think we've both seen enough" says The Man.

I sigh and look at James. "Be gentle" I murmur and I get up. James is still sitting there, going through the memory despite my absence. He groans and then responds to a question that I don't ask, but did at the time.

"You know I do." He says.

My groin is still hot and wet from the memory and I'm tempted to go take my place and meet his thrusts. The burning behind my ears stops any temptation and James vanishes. I growl angrily before stalking as far away from The Man the gold swirls will allow.

The rest of the sexual memories are breezed through. I'm too angry, aroused and frustrated to dwell.

James –

The Professor was stooped over his desk tinkering with a glittering metal contraption that chirruped and whirred every few moments.

James stood before his desk hurriedly telling his story to Dumbledore who was getting more agitated by the minute.

"And now we only have an hour to find her because stupid fucking Peeves thought it'd be hilarious to waylay us as much as possible." finished James.

"Well James, I believe that we are in luck" said Dumbledore after a moment. "I have heard of this business before, and have done a considerable amount of research on it. In order to find the establishment, one must truly want to vanish something from one's mind forever. The feeling must be pure with decision. That is why the letter you described said that the service was not illegal. The participant seeks out the service with concrete intent to fulfill the contract. It is then that the place will find you, not the other way around. From what I gather, it tugs you towards it, and it in turn moves towards you. You find each other as it were. It works sort of like a reverse Portkey."

James nodded. Although this information was useful, he'd feel more proactive if he was moving.

"So now what?" asked Sirius.

"Well, now you think of a memory that you would like to vanish from your mind forever and you walk along Diagon alley until it finds you. Think of it as a Patronus, the want must be pure and strong."

The men nodded in understanding. James was already whipping through his roster of memories, searching for something he could stand to part with. A thought occurred to him though, which he voiced out loud.

"Well, is it really worth it? I mean, here I've been running around trying to find her, but she doesn't want to be found. What right do I have? If she wants me gone, shouldn't I stay gone?"

Me-

He looks dashing in his pantsuit. I can feel the looks of envy on everyone's faces as they look at him. He stares at me and holds out his hands. I walk into them and we sway to the music. He smells like peppermint toothpaste. This embrace seems so much like home that for a moment I allow myself to breathe in the moment. We haven't danced in ages, and it feels so nice to be so close to his body.

"I love you Lily." He murmurs into my hair.

I sigh and run my lips against his chin stubble. "You're so comfortable James."

He frowns and looks down at me.

"You don't say that" he says suddenly. "In your memory, you don't say that. You say 'I know,"

The dance hall freezes and everyone in the room looks at us.

The Man strides up to me and looks me hard in the face. "Ms.Evans, do not get caught up in the memory. Do not stray. You will only make it harder for yourself."

I blink at the two of them: James who seems to actually register me in present time and The Man who seems ready to pounce.

"Of course. I'm sorry, I don't know what happened."

The dances resumes and James leads me around the dance floor. His face is the exact mirror image of what I remember and his eyes see me but don't register me. The script comes out of my mouth and the memory plays through. I let myself indulge once more in the memory, and it seems that the moment that I relax, James takes notice of my actual presence and he smiles slightly. It's a smile completely separate from the actual memory and I feel a little thrill of excitement at this anomaly.

James-

Sirius looked at his friend in horror. "James. Will you listen to yourself? You're giving up before the fight is even started. There's still time. Heather says we have time."

"So what? If we do save her, it'll just go back to what it was. Except she has even more reason to hate me."

"Don't be selfish James. You heard Heather. Do you really think that if Melissa knew the full extent of her memory damage that she'd have still gone through with it? Lily does not deserve this."

"Who's to say we can even save her?"

"You can," interrupted Dumbledore, "You can save her James."

**Authors Note:**

**Hey all, sorry for the long wait. **

**I just decided to get on with it. This is part one. Part two shall come in a few days. I was originally going to post it as one big chapter, but it's like 30 pages. Sooooo eff that. **

**Tell me what you think. Tell me all!**

**Thanks very much to everyone that reviewed. I'll return the favour, for sure.**


	8. Love, However, Does Not

The last of the boxes are in the living room. James comes out of where the bedroom will be. He smiles and rakes his hands through his hair. He bounces up on the balls of his feet excitedly. He pulls his wand out of his back pocket and flicks a cluster of boxes into the kitchen. I flick a cluster into the bedroom. We pull the plastic covering off the couch and collapse onto it.

"My first home" I say.

He leans over and nibbles my ear. His hand rubs my stomach and then plays with the folds of pudge that gather when I sit down. I feel a wave of embarrassment wiggle in the pit of my stomach as he continues to rub my belly. I get up and walk away.

"What's up?" asks James.

I turn and look at him, "you rubbed my fat."

"Because you're so fat." He says sarcastically.

I know he's being sarcastic, but that sentence coming from his mouth, no matter what tone of voice throws me back to first year immediately. I turn away again and wrap my arms around my middle protectively. I hear him get up.

"Hey," he says softly, "talk to me."

I turn towards him but I can't meet his eyes. "Please don't think I'm fat. Please don't say those words to me, no matter what. I can't hear them from you."

There's silence and all of a sudden he swoops me up and envelopes me in tender kisses.

"You're perfect." He murmurs into my cheek.

We make love on the kitchen floor.

-...-

Dumbledore looked at James and gave the boy a moment to consider him before he continued.

"The way the incantation works is that the opening line starts off the overall memory erase and a series of smaller incantations erase individual memories, but it is reversible up until the ending line is uttered. A sandwich if you will. As long as you stop the process in the middle, everything is repairable."

Sirius looked at James pleadingly, "James, no one wants to truly forget. They want numbness not blankness."

"I was no good for Lily. That much is clear."

"Yes you were James. Did you ever think that if you hadn't bullied her when she was younger that she would be the same feisty passionate girl we know today? You did have a positive effect on her James."

"Yeah, but at a price."

"A price worth paying! She doesn't deserve this James!" yelled Sirius.

James stared out the window. He thought about Lily and everything they were together. A memory popped up in his memory. An insignificant memory. She cut herself and even though she could easily fix it herself, she came to him. He had been reading on the balcony and she sidled up to him and watched him heal her finger. She did need him.

"Do you have a horrible memory Sirius?"

He grinned, "Too many."

"Okay then, let's go for a run."

-..–

He tries to wrap his arm around my waist, but I push him back and pull the covers around my neck. He sighs.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm angry at you."

I can feel him sit up in bed. "What have I done? It's only been five hours since the last time."

"You told a story about this girl, you made all these jokes to Remus about how ugly and fat she was."

James rubs his temples. "It was a joke Lily."

I sit up and look at him. "You used to call me fat and ugly."

"That's because I liked you and didn't know what else to say." He says exasperated.

"Oh so now you like this other girl?"

"What! No. Don't put words into my mouth."

"Whatever." I say and lie back down. A moment later, James gets up and goes to the living room.

..--..

They landed on the steps of Gringotts.

"Are you thinking?"

"Yes James, I'm thinking of it."

James nodded and they stood for a few minutes.

"Are you feeling anything?"

"No."

"No pull?"

"No, James."

"No tug?"

"No, James."

"Are you sure?"

"James."

"Sorry. Can you just...Think a little harder?"

Sirius sighed and scrunched his eyebrows at him in mock concentration. James growled and sat down on the steps. Another few minutes passed. Sirius gripped his shoulder.

"I think I feel something. It's not really tugging me anywhere, it's more of a suggestion. "

James got up and bounced anxiously at his side. "So? Where to?"

-...-

James is staring at me from across the coffee table. I know the argument he's going to begin and I mentally prepare myself.

"I'm tired of this Lily."

"Of what." I snap.

"Of you punishing me." He snaps back.

"I'm not having this argument again."

"We'll keep having this argument until we have it resolved." He says.

"James. Get over it. I have baggage. Baggage that you created. Either you deal with it, or you don't. It's not my problem."

James jumps from the table. "It's time for you to get over it Lily. Grow the fuck up."

He's already started yelling at me, and it stings.

"So what if I've hurt you? I grew, I learned. I love you Lily."

I forget my food and stand up too. We're facing each other with the table in between us.

"You don't love me! You have a sick obsession with me. You've always enjoyed watching me crash and burn. You're a sick fuck James."

"If you've always known this then why did you even bother?"

"Because I hoped you would change."

James pulls at his hair and he stomps his foot. "I have changed Lily, you're the one who's stayed the same. I want more than this. More than sex and fighting and pretending to get along. I want you to care for me."

"How can I care for you if I can't trust you? I still have nightmares about the things you did to me James."

He stomps again, this time so hard the table shakes. "I've apologized over a hundred times, what more do you want from me? I was just a kid."

"I want you to hurt as much as I did." I say scathingly.

"I have hurt, Lily. Every time you trick me into thinking you've let it go and we can finally move forward. It hurts more than you can imagine." He says levelly.

"That's not good enough." I say.

James face gets red and he screams. "Not good enough? Not good enough? You stupid fucking cunt."

The tone of his voice is almost identical to the way he used to talk to me years before and by reflex I cringe away.

"Tell me you love me." He says.

"What?"

He walks around the table and advances on me. "You've never, not once, ever told me you loved me. I used to tell myself to give you time and space. But this is it Lily. Tell me now, or I'm gone."

"No."

"No you won't tell me or no you don't love me."

"Fuck off James." I say and stalk off into the living room.

"Say it Lily."

A few moments pass and nothing is said. I turn and look at him. My face is set and stubborn. He's a foot away and looking down at me. His eyes are crazed and dilated.

"Fine," he says grimly, "fine. You want what you've always assumed? Fine. Lily, I just wasted two years of my life because I still think of you as the fat porker sitting at the front of the class." He shoves me backwards so that I stumble onto the couch.

I knew this was coming. I mean this is my memory after all, I knew this was coming, but my god those words rip the oxygen right out of my lungs.

"Shut up."

"I don't love you Lily, I think you're pathetic, narcissistic and foul."

"SHUT UP."

"You're worthless, talentless and a failure."

I pick up the nearest thing and whip it at him. He ducks easily and the mug shatters against the wall.

"It's done Lily. I'll be what you've always wanted. We're done. I hope you're happy." I get up and start stalking around the room. He follows me around "I hope this is worth it." He shouts at me. I scream at him and run into the bedroom and lock the door. Simultaneously we both punch the door.

I realize quickly that the haze that's blurring my vision is puddles of salty tears gathering at my lower lids. I deviate from the memory and open the door. I'm looking at him and he's staring back at me. He registers me and he steps towards me.

"You are such a bitch" he says helplessly. I nod because that's all I can do. "And I'm such a prick. Lily. We could have made it."

The sobs come out of my body now, damp and strangled. "I know James. I'm so sorry."

"This is the end Lily. What are you going to do about it?"

I gasp in a breath. "James you know that I've always loved you. You had to have known that. You just had to. Why else would it have hurt so much when you made fun of me?

You just had to have known James." He finishes off for me. I forget that he's an extension of my brain. He knows what I'm about to say because I'm the one saying it. I still look at him as though he's James.

I step forward and reach out for his hair: course and puffy just as I remember.

"Now you only realize how much you loved me this whole time," he says, "Every hand hold, every kiss, every smell. You're holding on so dear to it. Baby you know it's too late. When you come out of this, you won't even remember me. Won't remember that you love me...won't remember to tell me."

The enormity of that realization hits me and I buckle. James holds me up.

I cry into his shoulder and he hugs me closer. The Man is waiting a few feet away. "Just typical," he mutters.

James rubs my back. "We didn't die Lily, we only forgot. We got lazy. You have to remember us Lily."

"It's too late, James."

"Yes it is too late" says the Man.

"Shut up." Snarls James, our lips curl in unison and he scowls over my shoulder.

"What now?" I ask. I'm clutching his hair so hard, searching his face for something. The memory is almost done, I have few precious moments with him and then it's done.

"Just a few precious moments and then it's done." He murmurs. I pound his chest in frustration.

"I know, I know, I know!" I shriek. Spittle speckles his shirt and then disappears.

"I know, I know, I know." He repeats.

"James." I plead.

"James." He pleads.

"All right. Come on now." Says the Man. He walks forward briskly and pulls at my arm. I shake him off and James wraps himself tighter around me.

"I'm not ready." Sobs James.

"I'm not ready." I sob.

"That's not your choice Miss. Evans. Come here now." He says sternly.

"No." I say. James is shaking his head in denial, his eyes a mirror reflection of what mine show. He begins crying too and together we say no over and over again like little toddlers having a tantrum.

The Man finally takes hold of my arm and yanks so hard. James screams 'NO!' As I catapult backwards into the wall.

I jump up and try to pull the wand from his hands. He slices his wand hand back, and his fingers slide through my grip. He raises his other hand and slaps me sound across the face. The walls start pulsing and I can feel my mind beginning to resist The Man. He looks around and realizes that I've started to disengage. He steps forward and slaps me harder, sending me into the wall. James is pounding The Mans back fruitlessly. The Man rounds on him and begins the incantation.

I stay down and sob uncontrollably, grabbing at my hair and tearing it out. I pound the ground so hard that it shakes my arm socket. "Don't touch him!" I yell hoarsely.

The Man is trying to rush through the incantation. James is wavering.

"This is a mistake." I sob. "Please stop, I want to stop. I want to go home."

"A few precious moments," James says, only it sounds static like bad phone reception.

What does that mean? Why does he keep saying that? My sobs quiet down for a moment. Was there something I forgot? A memory we didn't erase?

I wrack my brain, trying to find something, anything. Something so small that I would've forgotten it. Maybe I could-

The Man stops speaking.

Almost there. I can feel it-

A pain indescribable compared to the burning of the last memories hits just behind my eyes. The pressure is so mind-numbing and I'm certain my eyes will pop out any moment. A tangy metallic smell fills my nose.

I'm still crying. Still sobbing. Begging for it to stop.

I see Him looming over me. He looks almost sad for me. "I told you," he says softly, "You should have just let me finish. You brought this on yourself."

A precious moment is all I need...Do I have-

He points the wand at me; the gold swirls swell around us and pull us upwards. My vision blurs again and my mind struggles to focus. What did I need to do? It was so urgent, and yet if it was, wouldn't I have remembered? Upwards and upwards we're pulled and I feel myself losing the battle as this need and urgency slowly ebb away.

-...-

They were making their way down the busiest part of the street. It was growing close to the time of day when everyone closed up shop and hid themselves. Even though it was still quite early, no one took the chance. James felt the adrenaline in his body start to pump faster and faster.

Now that he thought about her, he had no idea how to imagine his life with her. No matter how terrible things got, he loved her. He just had to get to her.

Sirius stopped in the middle of a crowd. "James. It might help you, and my sanity, if you thought of a terrible memory too. That way you won't have to badger me every few minutes and I won't have to kill you."

James nodded and thought of something he'd love to forget. Within minutes he felt it. It was a prickly feeling in his sternum that gently kneaded him in the right direction. They continued marching through the crowd, following the feeling.

James looked at his watch.

"Sirius we have twenty minutes left."

Sirius just growled and picked up the pace.

-...-

I'm sitting on a bed, sobbing and sorrowful. I look around me but everything is blurry. There's a quiet murmur and a quiet sound of rattling on the walls, like wooden blocks knocking each other. There's a man sitting in front of me with a sympathetic expression and I see that he's holding tissues. I take one. I'm so incredibly sad, but I can't seem to remember why. The pain is so earth shattering, but why? Why can't I remember?

Fear pricks the inside of my ribs. "Why am I crying?" I stutter.

"I'm not quite sure, Miss. You came into my flat asking for a bathroom and then you just started crying."

He has a friendly way about him. The walls are a deep Mediterranean blue covered in pictures and posters. It looks like a cozy flat.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"Thomas. Do you need someone to pick you up?" He asks.

"Where am I?" He doesn't seem fazed at all that I'm so disoriented. I'm still crying and the fear in my chest is only heightening the sense of urgency about the situation.

"Diagon Alley. Shall I direct you back to the main street?" He points to a back door and I blow my nose.

...

James was now running full tilt down the alley, shoving people out of his way regardless of their age. He stumbled over uneven cobble stone and Sirius helped him up, the two of them never breaking stride. Ten minutes minutes left. Come on, where is it?

James eyes whipped past each store title, all the time thinking about his memory.

Just then he saw a flash of red and sped up.

"Lily!" He called. "Lily!"

There she was, standing on the curb, a tissue clutched tightly in her hand. Every few moments she'd hiccup. She looked up, dazed.

He ran at her, relief flooding his body. She recognized him. Thank Merlin. He ran up to her and pulled her face to his kissing her deeply. Her lips tasted like salt, but my god were they ever good to feel after the panic he went through. He felt her struggling against him and he let her go.

"Lil, I was so afraid. I thought you went through with it. I nearly died. I'm so glad you decided- God Lil, I love you so much, I don't know what possessed you to...Lil?"

He looked at her and realized that the look of confusion never left her face. Her eyes weren't sparked with familiarity. His heart plummeted and he felt himself stumble backwards into Sirius.

"Lily?" He pleaded.

"Sirius," She said abashedly "Who's your friendly companion?"

James mouth fell open and he leaned into Sirius for support. "This is James." He replied carefully analyzing her face. Her face brightened a moment.

"James Potter? I remember you from Hogwarts. Shy bloke in the back of the class. Never spoke to you much." She said. "Did...you have me confused with someone else?"

Sirius rubbed his temple and looked over at James almost too scared to see the heart break. James' eyes were brimming with tears and he staggered back.

"You don't...You don't..." He said.

"James?" She asked. James turned around and threw up on the ground, his breakfast splashing loudly and making a colourful soup on the curb.

Sirius stood there helplessly and watched James collapse to the ground, head in his hands.

"Sirius?"

He turned to Lily and took a deep breath.

"Lily, babe, I think you should come with me."

**OH SNAP!**

**SNAPPITY SNAP SNAP.**

**Uhm. So yes, they found her. **

**Again, my grammar is horrid, big surprise there. **

**Thank you all very much for the reviews, I'm very flattered that you like this story. Don't worry! It ain't over yet! **

**I wanted to show more of the death of the relationship but I decided that pace was more important. Besides, you get the point that they were dysfunctional as all hell. **

**Tell me what you think!**


	9. Adjustment

The smell of this place tugs at the back corner of my mind. It's like seeing the fuzzy outline of something from the corner of your eye. I'm left to have a few moments alone in the bedroom. Our bedroom. Right, like that's somehow supposed to help. The past eight years of your life are a sham, but don't worry! If you hang out in your 'room' long enough, everything will be okay.

My mind cannot stop flashing back to Dumbledore's office. Sirius and James trying their best not to sound too frantic as they quietly argue with him. Dumbledore looking at me over the rim of his glasses. I was confused. Going from walking down the street to suddenly finding myself crying in someone's flat, to running into Sirius and having James kiss me, to watching James puke and cry.

'What the fuck' doesn't quite sum it up.

Dumbledore quizzed me and it got old fast.

"How long have you known James?"

"Seven years."

"Was he in your classes?"

"Yes."

"Were you two friends?"

"Not really."

"Did you ever date?"

"If we weren't friends, how could we date? Listen, I think I've humoured you three enough. I want to go home-

"And where is home?"

"In London." I replied. Sirius sat down beside me and rubbed my knuckles in comfort. The feeling of the ridges of his fingers grates on my nerves and I stand up and walk over to Dumbledore.

"Listen, I am tired. I don't remember waking up this morning, I don't remember ever owning these clothes and I don't remember arriving in Diagon Alley. I got mauled by an old class mate, I have the worst head ache in the world, and I'm getting grilled with the most asinine questions. I want to go home" I spit. Dumbledore clears his throat.

"Lily, it appears that you have been involved in some memory manipulation-

Immediately the alarm bells start ringing, "You mean like Death Eaters?"

"Not quite, before today you were involved in a two year relationship with James. As James describes it, you two got in an awful fight which spurred you to seek out memory altering services. You succeeded in erasing any memory and significance of the relationship."

"That's bullshit."

"No, Lily, you and I were together, we share an apartment, we were going to buy a puppy" says James.

And then the blur comes. It's like flipping through a bunch of pictures but all the faces are fuzzy and burnt around the edges. His face is starting to feel more real, but how?

I look at Sirius, then at Dumbledore and they are stone faced. It's not a joke?

All the blood is rushing to my nose and my eyebrows and the pressure is so great that the bile starts to rise in my mouth.

I puke on his shoes.

We're going back to Hogwarts tomorrow so that Dumbledore and a friend of his can do some testing on my brain.

I didn't believe them, you know. I mean it's all bull shit, right. The last time I saw James was graduation and it was just a brief glance of him and his friends sharing seven shots of fire whiskey.

And yet here I am in this room with a double bed. My double bed from home. And there are my favourite posters. Klimt does not belong in a bachelor apartment.

I have never seen this place in my life but my jewellery is sitting on the desk. The room smells like me.

I walk over to the dresser. The top drawer holds some familiar tops, the second drawer houses black lace which I would never buy in a million years. Suddenly I feel an invasive grime settle on my skin. James touched my body. The lace is example enough.

Oh my God.

I start hyperventilating and my head hurts. James appears in the doorway and his gaze slides from my face to my hands, clutching the lace.

I look back at him. "You? You took my virginity?"

"Fuck." He mutters. There are plum coloured bags under his eyes.

I can't stop the tears now, and my ribs really hurt. I kind of curl over but my hands stay extended to him with the lace dangling off the webs between my fingers.

"I can't remember. I can't fucking remember." I screech. James stays in the doorway.

I feel unprecious.

James closes the door and walks away. I can't think at all. I gag and gasp for air but nothing seems to fill my lungs. Something crashes in the kitchen but I can't see anything save for purple specks.

Where is my mom? Why aren't my parents here?

I think time passed, I'm not sure but I feel a cool damp cloth on the back of my neck and finally! A welcome voice.

"Hey, baby girl."

"Dorcas" I croak. She cradles me and eventually manages to pry the lace from my fingers. We fall asleep together above the covers. Dorcas runs her fingers through my hair.

It's seven a.m. when we wake up. Dorcas guides me to the bathroom and helps me bathe as if I were five years old again. My body is aching and my head is crusty all over.

"I feel hung over" I mutter.

"You look hung over" says Dorcas. She braids my fringe back and leaves an outfit on the bed before going into the kitchen to make some breakfast. A loose fitting navy sweater and baggy jeans. I look at myself in the mirror. I look like a blue sack of potatoes.

Sitting on my mushy bed I realize that I've had sex on the bed my dad used to play tickle monster on.

--

James sat in the kitchen with a cup of tea cradled in his hands. Dorcas came in quietly and started rifling through cupboards. It was silent for a few minutes.

"It wasn't rape-

"I know James-

"I know you know, but I still have to say it. It wasn't rape. It was...beautiful."

Dorcas sighed and smacked him on the head. "Buck up. You're going to have to be the strong one here."

A few moments passed before Dorcas opened her mouth, "And beautiful? Come on. The Divination classroom."

"Better than the Dungeons" he replied.

"You are such a cheese."

James simply put his head to the table. He felt Dorcas squeeze his shoulder a bit before putting some toast down for him. She was gone by the time he looked up.

--

Dorcas saunters in with some toast and tea and sits down beside me on the bed.

"So" she says.

"So," I nibble at the food but it feels thick on my tongue. "He had to be good in bed or else I wouldn't be here right?" I ask.

"Right" says Dorcas.

"Big?"

"Yeah."

"Huge?"

"I wouldn't go that far, but you were always so picky" says Dorcas.

We both chuckle weakly and get up. James is already by the fireplace. He doesn't meet my gaze. Dorcas places herself in between us almost unconsciously. I take a moment to look around the apartment. It looks calmer in daylight. The couch has prominent bum grooves and the corners of the table have been chewed away by accidents. James clears his throat and we floo over to Dumbledore's office.

Dumbledore has shoved his desk against the wall and placed two plump chairs facing each other in the middle of the room. The normal whir of his office is oddly silent. He introduces me to a man named Alastair Moody. His silhouette has been hacked at and he grimaces at me as if he already hates me. Which he does.

"Lily, you seem to be a very special case concerning this business. Usually the patients of Wishful Thinking get their memory completely wiped, but in your case, you memory has just been altered. Over the next hour we're going to test you with some basic knowledge you attained as a student here. I will test your motor skills and problem solving skills and Alastair will try his best to discern whether or not this altercation strengthened or weakened the incantation to obliterate your memory" says Dumbledore.

"And if it is weakened?" asks James.

"Then perhaps we stand a chance at breaking the incantation and regaining Lily's original memories. Now Lily, tell me, did anything come to you last night? I know it must be hard for you."

"I imagine he was hard, yes." I say.

No one laughs. Well, I thought I was pretty witty. I concede, "Things did feel familiar but nothing specific came to mind. I got overwhelmed pretty easily last night and vomited."

"Did any images come to mind?"

"Yes." James perks up and Dumbledore leans forward.

"There was a lion, and he was scared, and this heartless metal man, and a man made of straw-

"Lily, grow up" snaps James.

"She can't help it," says Dumbledore, "an effect of having years of maturity erased."

Moody approaches me at this point and he has a vial of pastel blue liquid clutched in his hand. He tells me to breathe deeply while he pours the liquid into his hands. After rubbing it in briefly, his hands shine royal blue as he places his fingertips on my temples. A lightning bolt of energy licks from one finger through my skull, to the other finger.

The blur comes back, but stronger. Each time an image pops up in my mind's eye, Moody and his fingers force my mind to focus in. I keep trying to flit away, but his grip is too strong. The blur won't focus and I become nauseated.

"Come on girl," he mutters and jabs his fingers even harder against my temples.

Still the images melt into one another and all I can see are objects, like a bottle of booze, or a Divination table from class.

This is where it really starts to hurt. Moody ruthlessly sifts through the images and memories, pulling them apart and I can almost hear things ripping in my brain. He's searching for something – trust me, I would love to give it to him, but I have no idea what he's looking for.

"You're hurting her," says James. Thanks genius. I believe we're all well aware of that seeing as how I've been saying 'oh fuck, fuck, fuck, ah, ouchy,' since we began.

We focus in on one memory where Dorcas, Marlene and I are entering the castle and we look up to the sky to see 'I love you Lisa,' and I remember feeling jealous. The boy that went through all that effort must really have cared for that girl. The strange thing is I don't remember there being a blue haze around the words. Moody smiles in triumph.

"Found one" he says. He pries his fingers off my temples and hands me a handkerchief to wipe the blue ooze off. "Whoever did this to her was really good at erasing memories completely, his technique for altercation is a bit lacking. There's residuals everywhere, which means that with a lot of work on Evans' part, we might stand a chance at breaking the incantations. Seems to me he was in a bit of a rush."

James and Dorcas are enthralled.

Soon after, the three of us leave with plans to meet again later in the week. I'm assigned homework. A dream journal. Puh.

Things are awkward in the apartment when Dorcas leaves.

James has his hands shoved in his pockets and he's looking at me expectantly. It's kind of like those times when you walk down the street and you meet someone from school and they're all excited to see you but you can't remember their name, and there's all that past history just dripping from their eyes and you want to remember that time you had sex with him, but you got your memory erased because he's a prick, so you're just sort of left alone in a room with him, staring.

"So, what exactly did you do to piss me off enough to erase you?" I ask.

James clenches his jaw, "It was a combined effort."

"Obviously not if I'm the only one erasing people."

"You threw the mug at me."

I follow him into the kitchen and watch him search for something to busy himself with.

"Honestly, I don't blame myself. I mean, first impression of you? You're sort of a dick. There I was, crying over my lost virginity, and what do you do? Close the door and walk away."

James slams his mug down. I can tell he's really starting to get riled up and a welcome rush of adrenaline courses through my body.

"I was trying to give you your space" he says firmly.

"I didn't need space, I needed comfort and reassurance, and you just walked away" I say.

"How was I supposed to know that, Lily? You didn't speak a word to me, or look at me since we met on the street."

"What did you expect? You wanted me to hang on your shoulder and weep and whine? I don't even know you James, how do you expect me to initiate anything other than a smack on the face?"

"You're the one that needs the smack on the face you brat" he says.

I stride up to him and try to slap him, but he catches my wrist and twists it away. I raise my other hand, but he catches it too. I glare at him and consider perhaps a knee to the groin would remedy the situation. Before I can raise my leg he growls and shoves me across the room.

There is a moment of silence where we regard each other from our corners.

"Why can't I stay with Dorcas?"

"Dumbledore thinks it'll be easier for you to work on your memories here," he says begrudgingly.

"It'll be easier if you stay on the couch," I say.

"Fine by me" James says as he walks past me and into the living room.

"I hate you," I mutter.

"Right back at you princess," he calls. I stalk over to the bedroom and slam the door, fantasizing his head in between the door and the frame.

"Good night jerk off" I call.

"Good night bitch"

.

.

.

.

**Well Hello there.**

**I did say you'd get a chapter soon didn't I? Do I deliver or do I deliver?**

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	10. Can and Will

James sat on the couch and listened to Lily slamming drawers and stomping around. Typical night, he thought. Just like previous years, James wandered around hoping that Lily would come out. After all that memory zapping, one would think Lily would have changed, but as predicted, she stayed in her room.

There were a few moments where James' fist was inches from rapping on the door frame, but the betrayal and hurt he felt became a force field and instead James went back to his studious pacing.

An hour later, James gave up and visited Remus who was, as far as he knew, vainly trying to teach Sirius to cook. The smoke that crawled out from the cracks of the door was the first warning sign that Remus was failing. The swearing that assaulted James' ears was the second warning sign that it was a lost cause. Upon entering he found Sirius in a singed apron waving a wooden spoon around.

"Pooky, getting angry?" asked James as he pinched Sirius' cheek.

Sirius was wide eyed and tense as he smacked James' hand away. "We cannot work together. I cannot even look at him, he is just so infuriating" he said shrilly.

Remus was crouched on the ground prying a puddle of something that had adhered itself to the ground.

"Looks like a warzone" commented James, "What were you trying to make?"

"Sirius felt like baked tortellini."

"Baked is a bit advanced for Sirius."

He stood up and pointed his wand at Sirius, "We didn't get that far. He literally cannot boil water." Sirius pointed his wooden spoon right back at Remus.

"He told me the incantation required a flick of the wrist on the down stroke, what he neglected to tell me was that there is a specific type of flick. Had I known, things wouldn't have exploded!" said Sirius.

"It was a rounded flick –

"Oh a rounded flick. How standard" said Sirius.

"It was taught to us in second year-

"And you expected me to immediately know that? Oh yes, a down stroke rounded flick, I remember reading that on page 42 on Thursday the fifth-

"You use in almost all the household spells, Sirius."

"And you assume I know any?"

"If you had any basic human respect for yourself, yes, I would assume you knew how to bathe yourself" shot back Remus.

"Oh look at me, I'm Remus Lupin and I'm a snivelling twat that can boil water which I learned from page 62 of my charms book that I keep by my bed day and night-

"It was page 45 you invalid." Spat Remus. Sirius took a step back and pouted.

"I'm not an invalid."

James sighed, "This is why I vetoed the four of us living together."

The two quarrellers seemed to take notice of James again and coughed in embarrassment and shuffled around.

"Oh, don't stop on my account," said James. Sirius growled at him as he passed by and left Remus to pry other burnt puddles off the kitchen.

"Anything I can help you with, James? Or are you here to escape a certain memory challenged redhead?"

"Escapism" he replied.

"Well, go keep the pup company while I clean up his accident."

James walked into the common area to find Sirius face down on the couch.

"Pooky," said James in the stereotypical mom voice.

Sirius got up and collapsed on James, "aaggghhhhh. We do not work well together without a buffer. You should have come earlier and been my comic relief."

"It's the alpha male thing."

"Whatever," Sirius took a more comfortable seat on the bean bag chair across from him, "why are you here anyways?"

"We got in a fight"

Sirius groaned and whipped a pillow at James. "You are such an idiot."

James frowned. Aside from recent events, Sirius was usually on his side more than Lily's. "What do you mean?"

"She has been taken advantage of by a sick memory addling bastard, and you fight with her? You yourself told me: she's going to be immature because she has forgotten all of her 'character building' years. You are supposed to be the responsible one you prat."

"She was being a brat-

"Not her fault!-

"Well what do you expect from me, Si'? How can I possibly be caring or tender towards the woman that hated me enough to literally cut me from her life? I can't look at her without getting angry. I loved her and this is what she did to me."

Sirius trained his gaze to the floor, "loved?" he asked softly. "Are you saying you don't love her anymore?"

James leaned his head back on the couch and sighed, "I don't know. There was a moment when we were fighting where all I wanted to do was...y'know."

Remus emerged from the kitchen wiping his hands and sat down next to James. "Well I'm glad you didn't because that would be inappropriate. The next while is going to be very hard on Lily, and you need to decide whether or not you can forgive her and love her despite the situation."

"Does she even love me?"

"Teach her how. Knowing you it'll take another seven years" said Sirius.

"The point isn't whether or not you love her but that there is only a certain amount of protection that she can get with Dorcas, Marlene or any of us. As her boyfriend, you can be there for her constantly, steer her away from people who will want to take advantage of her, help her gain confidence." James started to interrupt, but Remus only spoke louder, "Even if you don't love her, even if she hates you and doesn't regret a thing, you must be there for her. Who else does she have to provide that security?"

Remus had a point. James left soon afterwards with plans to meet everyone in a few days for drinks- if he was still alive of course.

---

I can't sleep. I keep seeing a miniature version of James strutting around my head sing-songing in a high pitched voice 'you're a brat, you're a brat, you're a brat...'

To pass the time I decide to root around anything that James owns. He doesn't have much style, let me tell you. Puce coloured robes? He must have bought those himself. All of his socks have holes in them. I quickly cast a mending charm and root around in his book case. He's kept all his textbooks from school. I sigh in exasperation. Where's the good stuff? As far as I can tell, we are an utterly boring couple. I turn around and look under the bed and find a forgotten city of dusty boxes. After pulling a few of them apart I happen upon photo albums. A swirl of excitement and trepidation clutches my chest. Maybe some pictures of the two of us doing something? Kissing in front of a maple tree? Me, cutting his hair in the kitchen? Us, huddled together in a noisy bar? Maybe that will jog my memory? Maybe I'll remember something and then it'll all flood out after that.

All I see are baby pictures. Where are the pictures of us? Our past relationship won't be valid unless I see physical evidence. I do not want to see pictures of wittle jamesie pooping his diaper.

I see a box that says 'old toys,' what, like toys from his childhood? No way, it's porn. I reach for the lid and pry it off.

"What are you doing?" Asks James. I start uneasily and by reflex I stand defiantly as he frowns. Don't say you found the porn, don't say you found the porn-

"Found your stash of porn," DAMMIT.

If possible, James looks even more alarmed. "How'd you know it was in that box?"

I shrug, "I dunno, I just knew."

We both look at each other and a moment of possibility flashes between us.

"How did you know?" James steps very close to me. The heat from his body hits me and immediately I feel warmer.

"It...just..sort of... seems like something you would choose to do" I stammer. His breath is tangy and sort of spicy. I feel my lids starting to close and my limbs go slack. Heat rises in my belly and crawls downwards.

"You barely know me," he murmurs.

My brain starts to fizz like a shaken bottle of pop just opened. I try to move my arms, but they won't cooperate. My body reacts like a dormant beast waking up for the first time in ages.

"How can it be that you know something as intimate as where I keep my skin mags when you've only really known me for a day?"

The term skin mags jars me into action and I stumble backwards onto the bed. The moment of electricity between us is broken and James clears his throat.

"What're you doing here anyways?" I ask. James hesitates as if he wants to sit next to me on the bed but he remains standing.

"I can only take a few days off before I have to go back to work. I think you and I need to figure out a way that we can-ehm, coexist without killing each other," he jokes " I-ah, I, well I'm sor- 'posed to...we need to trust each other."

"Fair enough."

"I need to know something from you," he says cautiously. I nod and he continues, "You wanted that procedure done. That much is clear and I know that everyone around you wants you to regain your memory. You're disoriented and confused. I need to know how much of this you want. Do you actually want your memory back?"

"I think what I want fluctuates, really."

James considers me for a moment and then continues shyly, "well, can you let me know? No matter how angry we are at each other or how well we're getting along, I will be there to stop Sirius or Alistair from pushing you. If you want out, I will make sure you can."

I relax into the bed and James sits beside me. "Thank you. I'm not quite sure how exactly to approach this situation. I don't remember you, so I have no basis of comparison. Although what I do know is that it felt very natural to fight with you last night, almost predictable."

James chuckles, "We have a very tumultuous relationship. How about we go out for dinner, to your favourite restaurant, see if anything feels familiar there?"

I nod and James gives me a few minutes to get dressed. I choose a navy blue silk dress with lace trimming and a sweet heart neckline. It looks alright I suppose, a size smaller would be better.

"James? What's the shrinking incantation?"

I hear his muffled reply from the kitchen. Ah yes, that one. A rounded wrist flick on the up stroke. Moments later I step out of the room in my black round toed heels, my winter coat and my wand. James looks me up and down appreciatively. His gaze is one of someone who has the intimate curves and lines of my body memorized. It doesn't take long for him to realize I'm uncomfortable and he clears his throat.

"It's okay," I say before he opens his mouth, "We're in a relationship, I'm sure it wasn't awkward before."

James leads me from the apartment with his hand in the small of my back. The restaurant is beautiful. Red stained pine with cream walls and booths shaped like large wine barrels. We sit by the window, overlooking a small park. I nestle into the nook and look at the menu. Mmmm gnocchi. Haven't had that in awhile. I order the dish and James smiles.

"You always order that dish."

The rest of the meal is silent. Every so often I catch James watching me, studying my face. I watch him too, looking at the scar on his jaw and the crinkle of his eyes. Did I see these things before? Did I kiss them?

James gets up to use the washroom and pay the bill and I settle back with whiskey tonic and watch the flurries outside. From the corner of my eye I see James sit back down. I turn to smile, only to find a stranger grinning across the table from me.

"Lily, hey, it's been so long."

Blue eyes, blonde hair. In my mind a clock starts ticking. Large smile. The bottom teeth showing. Baring his teeth at me. Danger. Blue eyes, kind eyes. Smile back Lily, it's only polite.

"Hey."

The smile gets larger, the cat with the canary feathers wisping away from his mouth. Tick, tick, tick, tick.

"What have you been up to since school?"

School. Where have I seen you?

"You don't remember me do you? Ha Ha, don't worry, year above you. We were Prefects together?"

Strong neck, I can see his adam's apple bob when he swallows.

"Adam? Delaney? Tall awkward kid? Come on, you don't remember me?"

"Sorry, I have just been..."

"Rough week?"

"And then some."

"Well, Lily, to jog your memory, I sent you a rather embarrassing note. I confessed my undying love for you. Still nothing?"

"I'm so sorry."

"You look like crap, hey?"

"Rough week, like you said."

"Well, listen. I'm going to this bar later, The Hull, and. Well, here is my business card. Floo me if you happen to remember me, or if you need someone to help you forget the rough edges of your life. It was great seeing you Lily."

I smile genuinely to make up for my spotty memory and hope that as he walks out the door he'll turn and give me one last glance. To secure the sincerity in his words, if anything. I am rewarded by a soft glance and half smile.

James arrives a few minutes later muttering about tips and the uselessness of the bartender. We exit and make our way down the street, high stepping through the slush and snow. We were silent as we walked away from the restaurant. James cleared his throat a few times and finally chose something to talk about.

"This street is busy at nine, two and nine. Those are the safest times to travel, so if you have to go out only go out at those times. There are a few streets that you should avoid. Bunker Street and Megleir Avenue are shit places to be, so don't go anywhere near them."

"Why not?"

"Drug deals, black market sales, prostitution, it's the moral grey area where anyone who wants to can become nothing more than a black cloak and disappear. Women like you, who have been taken advantage of are easy and obvious targets."

"I am not an easy target. I scored perfectly well on Dumbledores tests"

"Yes and you barely passed Moody's reflexology and problem solving tests. Tests which were a cake walk for you before. You are not as strong as you think you are, Lily."

Hold the fucking phone. "Not as strong? Fuck you, James. Don't tell me what I am and am not. I may have made a decision that temporarily set my reflexes back, but that does not make me incompetent and that does not make me weak. Don't tell me where I can and can't go, because it's up to me to decide."

"Lily, you no longer know this world the way I do. I'm responsible for your well being and I'm trying to tell you what to do to stay safe until we can get your memories back."

I look down Bunker Street and see a sign thrust out above a doorway. The Hull.

"Who says I want my memories back, James? Why are you all treating me like an insolent child who doesn't know her ass from her forefinger? Who says I want to be with you to begin with?"

James stamps his foot spraying slush along the hem of our jackets. "Lily, You don't know what you want, and until you do, I'm in charge."

"Well I know what I want right now."

"Oh you do, do you?"

"Yep. I want you to go. Go away and don't come back. I'm going out and I don't need you to care for me, or anything I do."

I start towards The Hull, and James grabs my arm and yanks me back. "Don't be foolish, Lily."

"I'm not foolish, you're being a controlling prick and I want to be alone, now fuck off."

"Lily, don't do this."

I shake his arm off and flick a harmless curse at him. I get swallowed into the Bunker Street traffic and I let the current take me down. I can hear James shouting my name, but we both know the farther away I get the louder he'd have to shout, calling more attention to his vulnerable little child. The thrill of being on my own propels me deeper into pools of foot traffic. The image of a blonde, blue eyed face. Friendly, welcoming. I'm free after twenty meters, and I walk into The Hull without a backwards glance.

**Well, here we are, after so long.**

**Hope you all still care for me! Thanks again to all the beautiful reviews. Binka Fudge, I am impressed and flattered that you took the time to read through my story and remark upon each chapter, please stick with it, I appreciate it.**

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**Leave some lovin. **


	11. Can't and Won't

I remember things. It's easy. I remember my first taste of champagne, I remember my first spell. My first regret, my second hang over, my first morning after. I remember the smells of old books, the smell of skin with the night still clinging. I remember the smell of breath, how intoxicating some one's natural taste can be. I remember the corner of a mouth. I remember the silkiness of a tie.

I don't remember a face. Everywhere I look in this bar, faces are blurs from the corner of my eye. Except they're right in front of me. Should I be making eye contact with these people? Would I have been in here had I still a memory?

I remember the pounding at the front of my forehead, and the loud obnoxious music. I have been in here before.

You know, I wanted that procedure done so that I could have him out of my life. So what the hell am I doing following him around like some lost puppy? What the hell am I doing feeling guilty for bettering my life?

If his attitude is a marker for how he's treated me, then good riddance.

So fuck James.

I walk confidently through the crowd and up to the bar. I let the bartender sneak a glance down my dress and along the curve of my hip. "Double shot of whiskey please."

He nods and pours me the shot and charges me for a single. The beauty in being beautiful is limitless. I knock the shot back and relax my throat, inviting the burning alcohol to soothe me.

My hips start kneading left and right to the beat of the song. I order another double. From the corner of my eye I see a blonde face and blue eyes following the knead of my hips and the curl of my throat as I knock back another.

"Lily, I didn't think you'd come."

I lavish him with a smile, forgetting that I'm still chewing on a lemon slice. It slips out of my mouth and lands with a wet smack on the sawdust floor between us. He chuckles and raises his pointer and middle finger to the barkeep for another round.

"It's been a bad week, need a change of scene." I answer.

He nods his head and passes me a shot. "I've had those before. Just last week a friend of mine was raided. Didn't have her travel papers with her, so they took her away as an illegal immigrant and badgered her for hours about You Know Who. The kicker of it all is that she's a native to these parts. Complete bullshit."

"Have they released her yet?"

Adam snorts. "'Course not. Crouch won't let any suspicious character go until he hammers through all the truth potions, torture curses and 'investigative liberties' that essentially take away our rights as human beings."

Investigative Liberties. That's the nickname given by the citizens for the War Time Protection Act, which has given Crouch carte blanche in his efforts to eradicate the Death Eaters. He and his team can walk into any house, establishment or gutter and pull you away. You are denied all legal rights, any protection and any chance to defend yourself. They are free to use whatever measures they choose to extract information from you. Most of the time the weaker people will cave and tell Crouch what he wants to hear no matter what the truth.

This of course results in many wild goose chases across England, spreading the Aurors wide across the country. This makes single teams easy targets, and allows for easier infiltration into the governments system.

Naturally, Crouch doesn't see it that way and the more he fucks up, the more enraged he becomes. It's only a matter of time before random sweeps across the city will become daily occurrences, and everyone will be living in empty shells that they used to call a safe haven. Crouch won't allow us to gather in small groups for fear of The Dark Lord recruiting forces. This will make all of us stand alone against a tidal wave of Death Eaters and monsters. This will make us fall. In an effort to protect his people, Crouch will be doing the exact opposite.

"Fucking sitting ducks, all of us" I mutter. Adam frowns.

"Isn't your boyfriend an Auror? I would think that living with one would make your opinion Pro-Crouch."

Uh oh.

"Well yes-

"James, right? I think I remember that. You live with him right?"

"I uh-

"Just a few streets away, if I have my information correct."

"Actually I-

"I find it very interesting that a girl of your calibre, as I remember, would end up with one of Crouch's men. I find it even more interesting that a girl as intelligent as you would have such a shameful memory for those that hurt you."

Sliced across Adam's face is a Chesire smile. The cat that caught the canary. I stare blankly at him.

"So it's true then. You really did get your memory modified."

Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Adam bears down on me, one hand placed firmly around my elbow, the other hand up against the bar to trap me in. From any other perspective, we look like two lovers embracing.

", are you truly going to look me in the eye and say that you don't remember me? Perhaps that is my fault, as I did give you a false name. I apologize. Let me reintroduce myself, I am Lucius Malfoy. A few years ahead of you."

My mind is whirring. Lucius Malfoy. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Tall build.

His grip on my arm tightens and he escorts me out of the bar. The barkeep looks on in curiosity and Lucius grabs my bum in a Viking fashion that only other men truly understand. The barkeep does his Viking smile-growl in appreciation and I'm sure I can almost hear a 'HUZZAH!' come out of his mouth. I spit on Lucius' shoe and try to break away. Where is my effing wand.

Lucius yanks me back into him and then shoves me up against a wall. The wind rips out of my lungs and sends black stars in front of my eyes.

"Now, now , spitting on a man's shoe is like telling him that you think he's dirt. And you have more decorum than most snivelling women to realize that I am better than you, and that you should not interrupt perfect conversation with your impishness. As I was saying..."

He half drags half carries me deeper down Bunker Street. Up ahead I can see Knockturn intersect with Bunker. Ha, I guess that's why James told me to stay away. I'm looking at the street signs, garbage cans and the steady stream of coats and scarves. Looks like I'm on my own for this one.

"I was good friends with some one that you knew quite well. Severus, I think his name is? I recall a certain incident in the courtyards where a stray hex caught you right in the face. Did I ever apologize for that?"

A few coats and scarves are following us now. I recognize the barkeep and someone I bumped into on the way here. Wow. I'm an idiot. This is such a simple set up I can't believe I walked right into it.

Lucius steers me down Knockturn and whips out his wand. "I don't think you know of this spell, Ms. Evans, but I'm sure you'll figure it out, smart thing that you are."

He mutters an incantation and immediately I see a melting blur by the buildings. All the stores squeeze to the front of their property to make way for a rushing blur of cement and windows that comes to a grinding halt in front of us. The rest of the stores relax back into place, and shimmy to the skirts of their property to accommodate this concrete square. Painted lavishly in black and gold are the words 'Wishful Thinking Inc."

I dig my heels in and try to scream but Lucius points his wand at me, and all turns black.

-

For the second time in a few days, a dull ache pounds the front of my skull and the voices around me sound submerged in water.

"Wake up, Ms. Evans."

I squint but I can't see anything. A streetlight outside makes silhouettes of the scarves and coats. I hear the ripping sticky sound of tape and I wince as he slaps a square of it over my lips.

"Due to our dear friend Mr. Crouch, I have been tracked and my magical talents must be subdued because I would prefer that our date remain intimate. Therefore I must resort to rudimentary means to silence and control you. It is strange, Ms. Evans, we have spoken on many occasions, which I suppose you don't remember, however it is tonight that I find myself apologizing to you so many times."

He's standing over me lighting a ciggy with his cane hung over his forearm. Two thugs are standing in the background lighting their own cigs. I try screaming through the tape, but the muffled sound doesn't carry far. Lucius smirks and ashes in my hair.

"Please, Ms. Evans if you were half as smart as everyone claims you'd be spending your energy on a more effective means to gain attention. However, you are a woman, and a muggle born so I can't blame you. It is my belief that folly and feeble minds run in the family blood, but you know that."

He bends over and rips the tape and the first layer of my lips off. "I won't lie to you there was no real use for the tape except to watch you squirm. Now stand up Ms. Evans."

I look at him, and then down to my bound feet, then back up.

"I don't have all day Ms. Evans."

"Then unbind my feet, Mr. Malfoy."

"Get up Ms. Evans, or my colleagues will be forced off their slovenly arses to help you. Gods forbid."

Malfoy is higher class than your usual death eater, death follower type. He is not a fan of brutal and messy violence. Such action is below him. He prefers a quick slit to the throat and a brandy. Which scares me more because at any moment he could tire of me and nothing that I could do would change his mind in killing me. I could not barter money, information or my body for my life. I'm a mudblood. Worthless.

Under the point of his wand I try to roll onto my feet, however my hands are bound behind my back making it nearly impossible to get my balance. After a few moments, Lucius seems to decide that my foul mouth is getting too loud and he flicks his fingers at his thugs and they yank me to my feet.

"Tell me, who was the person that performed the Altering on your memory?"

"Mohammed Ali."

The thug on my right side punches me in the stomach. I can feel the gnocchi from dinner crawl up my throat in a coating of stomach bile and ooze. Lucius looks around before stepping closer.

"How did you get in contact with him?"

"Open sesame."

This time I get punched in my kidneys. I'm not a strong girl, three punches is enough for a life time if you ask me. Getting punched is not so easily recoverable like they are in the movies. It takes time for your body to rearrange itself and bruise.

"I hate to admit this, Ms. Evans, most of all to a mudblood such as yourself but I am stumped. Look around you, it's empty, however you have certainly been here. Everyone leaves a signature, or residue when they perform magic, your residue is in here. Lucky for me and my glorious leader, you do not have the technology to detect such residues. Tell me, Evans, why is your signature all over this room but the person who runs this business is nowhere to be found?"

"I don't fucking know."

"Pity."

He raises his cane and pounds it over my head. I try to fight the black but it overtakes me and I feel nothing.

-

I wake up again. It's cold and wet, meaning I'm outside. I'm lying on my side and I'm missing one of my shoes. My hands and feet are bound, my mouth is gagged and my eyes are covered. I can hear my heart slowly pumping surges of blood through my brain.

"I don't want to pick her up with the sack already on, she'll weigh a ton."

"So what do you suggest, throw her in, jump in after and then attach it?"

"No, I say we get her on the edge and then attach and then just push her over."

"Yeah, but what if she falls over before we can attach?"

"Then you'll be the one to report back to our glorious leader."

"Don't be daft."

"Howsabout we get her to stand up, walk over to the edge and then put it on her and do the whole walk the plank thing?"

"How's about you nut up and carry her so that we can go have a goddamn beer?"

Someone picks me up and throws me over their shoulder while the other one attaches something to my feet. They drag my feet over a threshold and the sack falls heavy over empty air. I can't help but whimper as they say 'On the counta three."

"Wait, do we let go on three, or after three?"

"After three."

"Okay."

"One, two, three, drop!"

The hands let go and I'm falling through the cold air, my stomach hitting the roof of my mouth. I scream through my gag. The sack crashes through something and suddenly I'm submerged in icy water. My body gasps and every muscle around my lungs seize. Everywhere around me are chunks of ice. I can feel blood beginning to seep into the water as I sink downwards, the thick chunks cutting.

My lungs are starting to panic, the last breathe I took was spent on needless screaming.

God. What was I thinking?

I can't think. The sack pulling me downwards, my hair tangled around me. Fuck, and the cold. My muscles are clenching and unclenching in a primal attempt to stay alive.

Tiny bubbles are dancing up my body and out of my mouth. A fiendish tickling.

So much pressure around me. An entire river pressing on my tiny body.

I'm tired. I think it would feel okay to breathe in water. All this pressure and I feel hollow. I wish the water would fill the hollowness. I wish I could be full.

I think this darkness would be okay.

I don't really

Hurts

_Breathe _

_Breathe_

_Breathe_

_Lily._

_Breathe._

_Breathe._

_Breathe._

_LILY._

_Lily, Breathe._

_Fuck, Lily breathe._

_One, two, three, breathe._

Fuck off, I don't

_Breathe, breathe, breathe._

Stop it

_Breathe, breathe, breathe._

I just, stopppp it.

_Breathe, breathe, breathe._

I try to smack them away. Their slick cold lips, their jabbing hands. My arms are so heavy, I can't make them move. I groan and burp up some water.

"Good girl, good girl."

They turn me over to my side and I barf up some more water. Next comes the coughing. The full body seizure to expel all water from my lungs. My throat is torn up.

The hands are back, rubbing my cheeks, my shoulders.

"Okay Lily, we're going to move you, just hang on okay, baby?"

The minutes roll by and I fade in and out, listening to the quiet murmurs and the footsteps through slush, crackly ice and cobblestone.

"Remus, run ahead and get the apartment ready."

"James, she's getting worse. St. Mungos-

" is corrupt.

Everything else turns to static.

-

James picked up her blue body and stepped into the tub of lukewarm water and lay down with her cradled in his lap. Her body would not stop shuddering and shaking. He sat her up for a moment and peeled off his jacket and shirt and pressed her back onto his chest and kissed her forehead.

"I know it hurts, I know it hurts."

She groaned and squirmed and kicked her feet like a toddler, but James kept her close. He could feel her shoulder starting to warm up.

"James? Dumbledore is here."

James nodded in acknowledgement as he swept into the room. Dumbledore took in the sight of James half naked cradling Lily in a cocktail dress with one shoe on and black circles of makeup around her eyes. He tucked his beard into his belt and said "how can I help you, James?"

"I need her core temperature to warm up."

Dumbledore nodded and sat on the side of the tub. He reached over and took Lily's pulse. He asked James to do a quick search of her body for any impact wounds from curses or hexes. When they couldn't find any of consequence, Dumbledore brought his wand out and began a long string of incantations.

An hour later, Lily was in bed, covered in warmed blankets wearing a toque and a few layers of socks. Dorcas lay beside her reading a book while James and Dumbledore spoke in the kitchen.

"We fought and she stomped off down Bunker Street. I Apparated to Remus and Sirius' place and got them to come with me. We canvassed Bunker to see where she could have gone. It was about an hour later that I found her shoe. I saw a distant group of people and we followed them. By the time we arrived they had already thrown her into the water. Sirius captured them while I jumped in after her. Sirius has them gagged and bound back at his place. Remus got the bath ready and called Dorcas over. I resuscitated her, sort of."

"It'll be a few days before she's okay. I suspect she'll have a bad case of bronchitis or pneumonia. What I find disconcerting is that they avoided using magic which makes them untraceable. I'm thankful you captured two of them. I'll go to Sirius' apartment and question them. In the mean time... keep me posted on her health. If she starts to get a fever, let me know and I'll call for Poppy. That woman is a miracle worker."

When Dumbledore left, James entered the room and warmed the blankets up again. He took a tub of Vicks Vapo rub and scooped a bit up and rubbed it on her chest in hopes her breath would stop rattling.

"How're you doing, James?"

"Fabulous."

"I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight, if that's alright with you."

After getting Dorcas set up on the pull out couch, James settled into bed beside Lily. He wasn't planning on sleeping, that was not going to happen anytime soon. No. He was going to wait until she woke up long enough to eat warm soup and spell her name.

Over the next six hours Lily faded in and out of consciousness and in and out of fever. At six a.m. Dorcas took a shift with her so that James could sleep on the couch.

James kept dreaming of huge waves crashing through London. At four in the afternoon, he went to Sirius' apartment where the two thugs were being held.

Sirius opened the door topless and holding a beer can. "Ready for some pin the tail on the donkey?"

"Did you get all the info you needed from them?"

"Not much, just a description of the man that paid them. Hopefully Lily will remember something."

James entered the apartment and took the roll of tape Sirius handed him. While James strapped his knuckles in layers of thick fabric tape, Sirius cast an alarm spell to alert them if anyone was coming to the apartment.

The two thugs lay in the centre of the bedroom bound and gagged. The last image Sirius saw before he closed and locked the door was of James standing over them flexing his hands.

-

Cold freeze. Pulse, breathe.

Undertow. Overflow.

Over blow, clear cold.

Ice shutter, blue blubber.

Breathe Lily, breathe Lily.

Strain, reach, pull, crawl. Twist, creep, edge, inch.

Ring around the rosey, a pocket full of posies, husha husha, we all fall down.

-

"Marly. Hey. It's really good to see you."

Dorcas was kneeling by the hearth, one hand bracing herself on the side. Marlene was staring back at her through the embers. Her hair was shorter than Dorcas remembered.

"Long time no talk, Dorcas." She said flatly.

"Yeah, I know. I thought you should know though, something's happened. I think you should come here as soon as you can."

"That'd be great if I knew where you lived."

"I'll meet you at the Leaky Cauldron, okay?"

With a sigh Marlene disappeared leaving Dorcas wincing at their first interaction in months.

-

My lungs are slimy with phlegm. Heavy, shattering.

They're persistent for air. Expansion, contraction. Expansion, contraction.

I can taste the air. It smells of toast and eggs.

There are blankets lying like concrete across my chest. Why are there blankets on me when I need to breathe?

Okay, time to open your eyes, Lily. Just...open them.

-

Her eyes were caked in sleep and her entire body ached and creaked. "Ughhhhn."

"Hey lady." She saw Dorcas in the corner of her eye smiling sadly. "You were attacked and then thrown over the side of a bridge. Life is going to suck for a little while. Well, it's going to suck more than it already does. But you're safe, and we're going to take care of you, so relax, okay?"

"S'Jehms here?"

"James? Not yet, he went over to Sirius' place because they caught the two that threw you over the side. Marlene is on her way though."

She tried to nod, but sleep was so much easier, so she chose that instead.

It was dusk when she woke up again, the room was dark and the kitchen was the only room lit. She could hear a few people talking and chatting. She sighed.

"Lily? You awake?"

She looked over and saw James sitting on the bed.

"James," she croaked. "James, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

James was by her in moments kissing her lightly on the lips. The light taste felt full and Lily hugged him to her tightly, craving for the hollow to fill. His face was warm and fragrant with a recent shower. His skin gravelly and rough around the jaw. Hair fuzzy and unkempt. Eyes tired and wild. Breath ragged and constant. He wouldn't let his weight fall on her. But more than anything she wanted to be smothered in warmth and the greatest feeling of safety.

"You were dead," he whispered.

"I know."

"I want to keep you safe, Lily, not because I want to control you, but because I care for you."

James got up and closed the door to the bedroom and crawled into bed with her, pressing her up against him and keeping her still chilled skin warm. He pushed away the memory of Remus' warning glance; don't confuse her, James.

Fuck that.

If last night was any indication of things to come, it was imperative that Lily knew how much he loved her, and how important it was to get her memory back. There was no choice anymore.

**Quick eh?**

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